So I'm gonna watch the Godzilla movies

Okay, concentrate, because this film has twice as much plot as the last. Or rather, it has two completely differently plots that each have as much effort put into them as a usual single Godzilla plot. We start out with this girl:



She's a descendant of the Azumi royal family. Trust me, that's important. While singing a weird little song for what I guess are tourists, she screams and has a premonition of a giant monster destroying the city. Now, in her vision it's Ghidorah, because they just used stock footage from Godzilla va Gigan, but it's not actually Ghidorah. He's not in this movie. Thank god.

Two of the main characters in the movie, none of whose names I remember, are two brothers. One is working on building a marina, and the other is... doing something else. The other goes to visit some caves, presumably just for something to do, and discovers a strange piece of metal there.



The marina brother goes back to work at the marina, where his men have discovered some caves while digging. An archeologist shows up to examine the caves and inside they discover an ancient mural and an old statue. There's a prophecy written in the mural that says something like;

"When the black mountain appears above the clouds a monster will appear and destroy the world.
When the red moon sets and the sun rises in the west, two monsters will appear to save the world."

It also contains some info on King Caesar, the guardian of the Azumi. He's said to awaken and protect them when they need it, but they can't translate anymore of the writing. The archeologist and Brother A take the statue to Tokyo to be examines by a better archeologist. While on the plane they spot something out the window.



The black mountain from the prophecy. A monster should be showing up to destroy the world soon then.

Brother B takes his piece of metal to be examind his scientist friend, who comes to the conclusion that...



Really? "Space titanium"? As in titanium from space? WHY THE HELL IS TITANIUM FROM SPACE DIFFERENT TO TITANIUM FROM EARTH?! IT'S STILL TITANIUM! If it's that different give a different name, lazy bastard.

After wrapping their heads around that plot point, Godzilla appears. And he's fucking pissed.



But hold on a minute. It's only 20 minutes into the film. That's way to early for Godzilla to show up. Plus he's breaking shit, Godzilla doesn't break shit these days. It doesn't sound like Godzilla either. Strange...

Just at the moment, Anguiras pops up from underground and attacks Godzilla. Which is also strange, because they seem to be friends now judging by the past movies. They fought together in Godzilla vs Gigan. Anguiras attacks Godzilla and cuts off a bit of his skin.



Oooh, shiny. And plot-thickening. It's safe to say this is not the real Godzilla, and given the title of this film, I'm going to go ahead and assume this is Mechagodzilla. Either way, it's on!



MORTAL KOMBAT!



...Anguiras is such a pussy. He never does anything useful. After losing badly to Mechagodzilla he slinks away and never shows his face again in this film.

So Mechagodzilla is the monster from the prophecy who will destroy the world. The real Godzilla and King Caesar are the two monsters who will save the world, since Anguiras proves he isn't up to the job. Mechagodzilla continues to rampage around setting stuff on fire until the real Godzilla shows up to stop him. And it's the real Godzilla this time because...



...that guy says so. Wait, who is that? I've never seen him bef-...



Really?

We're really going with aliens again? What the hell? I thought we were going with this ancient prophecy story line. Is it really necessary that the monster in the ancient prophecy be a robot built by god damn aliens?! That's just confusing. What about the black cloud mountain? Was that somehow caused by the aliens as well, or was that just magical coincidence? Because that's never explained. Apparently that happened just because it was in the prophecy, but the monster has some kind of "logical" explanation behind it. WHY?!

They're not just any old aliens either, they're... Well I'll get to that later. It's time for the grand reveal.



Holy crap a mechanical Godzilla, or a "Mechagodzilla", if you will. After a brief battle in which Godzilla gets his ass kicked, Mechagodzilla has to fly back to his base for repairs. The real Godzilla, shamed by his loss, goes on some sort of training mission or something. I'm not really sure what he did, but he was standing on an island during a thunder storm, thrashing around and roaring in the rain and getting struck by lightning. I guess he absorbed the lightning and got stronger somehow, because he started glowing.



Okay, back to the human characters for a bit. Brother A and his archeologist friends have deciphered the statue, and found out that to wake King Caesar they have to put the statue on top of the Azumi when the red moon sets and the sun rises in the west. So they're on a boat to Okinawa island to do just that. Not sure how they'll get the sun to rise in the west, but they'll probably figure it out.

One of the aliens sneaks on board the boat to try to steal the statue, so that King Caesar can't interfere with their plan. Their plan being to take over the world. Because aliens have nothing better to do. Brother A manages to fight off the alien and shoot it, causing it to partially reveal it's true form.



Yep. Space monkeys. As in monkeys from space. The film just refers to them as "spacemen", but come on, they're clearly monkeys. From space. Space monkeys. After complaining about the laziness of the name "space titanium", you may think I'm being eqaully lazy and hypocritical by dubbing these aliens "space monkeys", but...

Brother B takes his scientist friend to the caves where he found the space titanium to investigate, where they stumble upon the space monkey's base and get captured. It turns out the monkeys want to use the scientist to repiar Mechagodzilla. Apparently one single human scientist can repair their own robot faster than they can.

Holding his friends hostage they force the scientist to fix Mechagodzilla, and they throw them all into a cell and start to pump hot steam into the room.



Weirdest execution ever. The space monkeys cleary carry guns around. Why not just shoot them? Oh, it's so that the interpol agent who's been following them has time to sneak in and rescue them. After escaping from the base, they decide to break back into the base, because the scientist feels guilty about helping the space monkeys and wants to destroy the control room to put a stop to Mechagodzilla. The interpol agent strangles the monkey guard:



Fuckin' space monkeys man. Still can't get over it. They get inside and head for the control room.

While all that's going on, Brother A and the archeologists arrive with the statue at Okinawa and go to the Azumi temple, just as Mechagodzilla arrives. And wouldn't you know it...



A red moon! Why? Because prophecy, that's why. Which would be fine if it weren't for the space monkeys. The sun also appears to rise in the west, but it's just a mirage caused by the red moon setting in the east. Which in itself is more noteworthy than a god damn fake sun because the moon doesn't bloody set in the east! This ancient prophecy really should have mentioned the moon setting in the wrong direction rather than the sun rising in the wrong, because it was fake bloody sun. Get it together ancient prophecy.

When the statue is placed on the temple and the lady from the start sings a song, King Caesar rises from his slumber!



I was not expecting that. He's more agile than most of the monsters in these films though.



Despite getting the odd hit in, Mechagodzilla is too much for King Caesar, what with all his lasers and rockets and stuff. He's even too much for King Caesar and Godzilla toghether, just blasting the shit out of them.



Godzilla gets seriously roughed up in this battle.



But all is not lost. Godzilla pulls himself together, remembers his lightning training for earlier, and... suddenly has magnetic powers?



I really wasn't expecting that. His magnetic powers mean that Mechagodzilla can't fly away because Godzilla can pull him back. Although I'm not sure why he was trying to fly away since he's clearly capable of beating Godzilla in a fight, but I guess they had to show off Godzilla's magnet powers somehow. Godzilla is now able to hold Mechagodzilla in place and finally defeat him.



The End.

I can't fathom why this film needed the ancient prophecy plot and the space monkey plot. It was so strange.

After a recap of the last film, we're treated to the title of this movie. Honestly I'm not sure why it's called Terror of Mechagodzilla. He's in it but he's not the main monster. He is the most threatening though I guess.

Anyway, the film kicks off with some scientists in a submarine searching for the sunken remains of Mechagodzilla, but they can't find it. Suddenly they are attacked by this thing:



This film also has aliens in it, but they're introduced really abruptly and they're not so much aliens as humans in stupid cloths.



Stylish. Their planet was destroyed by a black hole so they want to, you guessed it, take over the world.

Spoiler:

Their plan involves enlisting a disgruntled scientist called Mafune, although we're not sure what for yet. Meanwhile, the attack on the submarine is being investigated by interpol.



Wow, you would never guess that this was filmed in widescreen and then cropped for TV.

After listening to the distress call from the submarine where they claim to have been attacked by a dinosaur, they decide to contact Professor Mafune, and now we learn why he's so important. He was a brilliant marine biologist who had this completely insane idea of underwater farms with mind-controlled sealife. He also claimed to have discovered a dinosaur in the ocean called Titanosaurus, which he could control with his mad science.

So obviously he was fired. And the aliens are working with him because Titanosaurus can help them take over the world, and he's working with the aliens out of spite for humanity. And they're funding him. And they saved his daughter's life at some point.



That's Mafune on the left and an alien on the right, toasting to the eventual end of pan and scan home releases of widescreen movies. The aliens show Mafune their base where they are rebuilding Mechagodzilla and ask for his help to make Mechagodzilla. As well as being a marine biologist he apparently knows how to build giant robots too. He's a bit reluctant but the aliens remind of his debt to them after they saved his daughter.

While building his deep sea mind control nonsense, apparently with no other help except his incredibly unprofessional daughter, there was an accident.



As you can see the machine malfunctioned and released a gas that causes people to overact. After which the aliens rush her away and save her life by turning her into a cyborg. She is now the mind control device and she's the one controlling Titanosaurus.

While all that is going on some scientists send a submarine out to look for Titanosaurus and discover the monster is weak to super sonic sound waves. So they set out to build a "giant super sonic wave ocillator". Mafune learns of this and scoffs at such a notion, and decides to send Titanosaurus on a rampage for shits and giggles.

It's at this point, more than halfway through the movie, that Godzilla is first mentioned. You may be surprised that all the above takes up over half the movie, but I left out the romance between on the investigators and Mafune's daughter because it's suicidally boring.

This is one the movies few cool moments though. Godzilla's reveal is badass.



There's no fight though because Mafune's daughter is injured, so Titanosaurus just wanders off.

There's some more boring shit that I honestly don't remember, but finally Mechagodzilla is ready and together with Titanosaurus they set off to wreck shit.



For Titanosaurus, this mainly involved wafting his tail and causing a wind, which is the lamest attack ever. Mechagodzilla has recieved a substantial upgrade though, and delivers the film's other cool moment that makes me wish I had a proper widescreen version. This is the best model explosion I've ever seen.



Awesome.

Godzilla arrives for the final battle and Titanosaurus at least gets one decent moment.



Godzilla has trouble fighting both of them at once but the humans show up with their super sonic doodah and incapicitate Titanosaurus. Godzilla pulls Mechagodilla's head off again, but this time it doesn't kill him. It just reveals his brain.



But Godzilla wins in the end obviously. Not in any particularly exciting way mind you, but he does win.

While the last fight is happening, there's also another situation playing out at the alien base. But honesty it was a bit hard to follow because a it involved some human on human (alien) violence that had obviously been heavily edited.

It had a couple good moments, but this was a step down from the last few films.

This movie starts somewhat like the very first one. Plain title cards and booming music (like the footsteps in the first one). It starts during a storm at sea, with some people on a ship. One of the guys isn't feeling too well, and suddenly he spots something out the window.



You can tell it's going to be cool because of his face.



A nearby island erupts and crumbles and a mighty mechanical roar terrifies the whole crew. We don't catch a glimpse of the monster though. I wonder what it could be? Very cool opening.

The next day the storm has stopped and another sailor (who's actually a reporter, he was just out sailing for some reason) happens upon the ship. There's news on the radio of recent violent storms and volcanic activity in the area. Searching the ship, it seems abandoned. Until the reporter heads below deck and finds this;



!

I don't remember Godzilla ever doing that to people before. But it's not Godzilla that did this. While searchin the rest of the ship the reporter gets attacked by this thing;



A giant radioactive mutated blood sucking sea louse. The more serious tone this film was going is somewhat compromised. He's saved from it by the only surviving crew member, and they're rescued shortly after. The surviving crew member is visited in the hospital by some professorial types, who show him some pictures.



He recognises the monster and it's confirmed. Godzilla has returned! The theory on the sea louse is that it was a normal parasite that was feeding on Godzilla and had been mutated by the radiation that Godzilla constantly radiates. The recent volcanic activity has awoken Godzilla from his slumber and he's back with a vengeance!

Well, not really. He's just back. But it should be with a vengeance, given that was he killed at the end of the original Godzilla. This film ignores every movie after the original, and this is supposed to be the first time Godzilla has been seen since then. But everyone, including the filmmakers, seem to have forgotten than Godzilla was killed at the of Godzilla. Not ambiguously either. it wasn't one of those situations where he just fell in the ocean or got buried or frozen and everyone just assumed he was dead. He very clearly killed on screen. Reduced to nothing but a skeleton.

But whatever, he's back.

The government wants to keep the news secret to avoid mass hysteria and panic, further emphasising that Godzilla isn't your friendly neighbourhood giant radioactive fire-breathing lizard anymore. The situation escalates however...



Oh yeah, a Russian sub. Global political crisis biatch.

Now, I don't want to wrongly enforce the stereotype of Japanese xenophobia and general incompetence at portraying other cultures... But I'm not sure the Russians actually speak Russian in this film. They most likely do because it's a major production and it would be insane if it were just gibberish, and I don't know any Russian myself, but if the Russian word for "war" is "conflicto" then I'll eat my hat.

Anyway Godzilla destroys the sub and Russians blame the Americans, and a full scale nuclear world war is threatened. So the Japanese have no choice but to come clean and admit that Godzilla has appeared once more.

This, I suppose, is the major theme of the film. The first film was very much morals of using weapons of mass destruction, and this one is too. But the first one was played on a very personal level, focusing on the actual scientist who developed the weapon and his choice of whether to use it. But this film plays on a global scale, with Russia and America insisting on the use of nuclear weapons to stop Godzilla and Japan refusing. It's not as central to the plot as it was in the first film though.

Shit, I got ahead of myself. Japan discusses it's defense against Godzilla, and reveals a new super weapon designed specifically to fight Godzilla called Super X. It's some kind of airship with special bullets or something. The professor from the hospital has his own ideas about Godzilla. He thinks Godzilla is basically a giant nuclear reactor that feeds on nuclear radiation. That's why he attacked the sub, for it's nuclear fuel.

Which doesn't bode well for this power plant that the film just cut to.



Snap. I must the effects work and the costume are a lot better, as would be expected.



Facial animation that goes beyond just opening the mouth! Godzilla is actually a bit scary again. He stomps through the plant and goes straight for the nuclear reactor, drawing energy from it.



Then a flock of birds fly by and Godzilla gets distracted by them and follows them back out to sea. Weird. Professor Hayashida deduces from this that Godzilla has a homing instint and can detect the same magnetic forces that birds use to navigate while migrating. Using this idea he comes up with a plan to using magnetic fields to lure Godzilla into a volcano and force it to explode. Because making a volcano erupt is something that people can do now. His reasoning for this being that Godzilla's radioactive nature makes him nearly invincible and conventional weapons won't work. So he just wants to bury him under molten rock, like he presumably was before.

Japan decides to go both routes and prepare Super X as well as the volcano thing. There's a really long stretch of the film here where the political situation I described before plays out. It would be boring but Japan has a unique history with nuclear weapons that gives it more weight and significance than it would otherwise have.

One thing that never ever comes up in all these discussions about using nuclear weapons on Godzilla is the fact that Godzilla lives off nuclear power, so I guess Hayashida just chose to keep that little piece of information to himself. Selfish prick.

Japan decides against nuclear arms though, and continues it's more conventional defense plans like Super X and manually erupting a volcano. Now we enter the final act of the film, as the military preperations contin-...



HOLY-! Godzilla gets the jump on Japan. The military can't hurt Godzilla at all obviously, but they give it a damn good go in an entertaining battle.



I love these new effects.



Yeah, you don't fuck with Godzilla. During this attack on the bay, a Russian ship that for some reason has the ability to launch Russia's nuclear space missiles is damaged, starting the launch sequence. Apparently Russia and the US have satellites orbiting the Earth armed with nuclear weapons. So now here's now a nuclear bomb on the way to Tokyo, as well as Godzilla.



Hoohooo, look at that set. This is going to be great.



Haha, take that buildings! Godzilla then picks up a train car;



Which understandably terrifies all the passengers, except this guy;



I guess Godzilla is his god or something...? I have no idea, this is not something that's ever explained. He's just there and apparently fine with being killed by Godzilla. The government finally unleashed the surprisingly underwheling Super X.



I was expecting something a bit cooler looking than that. But it's actually effective. Super X's special anti-atomic bullets or whatever manage to knock Godzilla down. They shoot him right in the mouth which makes him...



...bleed? Something starts drooling out of his mouth. Then we hear his hearbeat slow down, and he collapses.



But it's not over. The nuclear missile is still on course to wipe out Tokyo. The Americans jump in to help and launch another missile to take out the nuclear missile before it hits. It works, the resulting explosion high in the sky causes a radioactive lightning storm which rejuvinated Godzilla.



He rampages some more, and since Super X is out of super bullets, there's not a lot they can do. Godzilla destroys Super X by pushing a fucking skyscraper on top of it.



Realising Super X can't really kill Godzilla, plan B goes into effect, and Hayashida activates his magnet thingy, which lures Godzilla out of the city and to the volcano. They detonate it and the eruption causes Godzilla to fall in.



THE END.


...




...

Wasn't there a giant mutated sea louse in this film at the start? I'm sure there was. I thought that was going to be a precursor to a battle with a sea monster of some kind. Guess not.

Wow, 4 years in between films. Showing some restraint I see. Nice move Toho. The movie begins right where the last one ended, as officials pick over the wreckage of Tokyo left by Godzilla, and scientists are keen to find any samples of Godzilla left behind. But they're not the only ones.



These fellas are also there scavenging little bits of Godzilla skin that were left behind, and when they get caught they decide to shoot the place up and run away. Now, there's some music in this scene that's so ridiculous and out of place for a Japanese monster movie that you guys just have to hear it.



Can you believe that? They don't get away though. After avoiding the Japanese police, they get ambushed by this guy:



He kills them all and steals the Godzilla cells. Turns out he's a secret agent for a country called Saradia.



Subtle. Saradia is a desert country, dependant on oil for it's wealth (real subtle). But it wants to branch out, and so the a Japanese scientist named Shiragami who is working in the country has come up with a new super plant. He wants to genetically engineer plants and crops that can grow in the desert, but he needs the Godzilla cells to do it, which is why they were stolen. Unfortunately there's an accident and the lab blows up, destroying the Godzilla cells and killing Shiragami's daughter.

Cut to 5 years later.



It may not look like but this picture needs a hell of a lot of explaining. On the left is Shiragami, who has moved back to Japan now but is still a bit obsessed with flowers. The woman in the middle is a friend of his and her father is some top scientist businessman who in any other film would be a mad villain, but here he's just a bit part. He wants to do all kinds of insane experiments and studies just for the hell of it, like preserve the sperm of Nobel Prize winners to spawn future genuises. He's the guy currently in control of the Godzilla cells that Japan recovered.

Got all that? Here comes some more. The girl on the right is a psychic from the psychic school who is trying to talk to the flowers because they've discovered that flowers have their own mental energy field and are therefore susceptible to telepathy.

This scene is like 5 minutes long and it's absolutely chock full of crazy nonsense. But it doesn't end there. They are not alone. They're being watched by this guy:



Who is in turn being watched by this guy:



He's never named (I think) but he shows up enough so let's just call him Agent Saradia. The psychic girl has bad news for the teacher in the next though, because...



Oooooh, really? I know a memorial is usual for great tragedies but a memorial lounge? Seems a tad disrespectful. Anyway the psychic girl has been having this recurring dream, and all the other psychic kids at the psychic school have been having the same dream. What have they been dreamin out?



YES! Godzilla, of course. Well, volcanic activity in the volcano that Godzilla was tossed into is increasing, and the psychic think he's awake again, which is enough for Japan to start planning it's defenses. They've been hard at work since the last attack. There's now a Super X2, for example. They've also been working on a bacteria that eats nuclear material, which could be deployed against Godzilla, but they need the Godzilla cells to make it.

They do have Godzilla cells, but haven't used them and haven't made the bacteria yet because of the political ramifications. A new super weapon that could potentially wipe out a nations nuclear arsenal is a pretty dangerous thing. In fact the white guys at the start were after for that very reason. But they need to make the bacteria now because Godzilla's volcano has erupted and he's awake, although he's still trapped. They ask Shiragami to work on the bacteria but he refuses. Although about 10 minutes later he accepts. I'm really not sure what changed his mind but he was just looking at plants and then said this;



Which I don't get because Erica is already dead. Erica's his daughter by the way. I guess he's just mental. So it's totally understandable that they accept his one condition which is to have the Godzilla cells to himself in his own lab for a week. What could go wrong there? Well people could steal it from him, for one.



The black guy from earlier and his friend break in to steal the cells and all the data. They work for some American company that wants the cells.



Agent Saradia is hot on their tails though, and a shootout follows. Until...



That's another thing that could go wrong if you give a mad scientist Godzilla cells. He could splice them together with a flower to create a tentacle monster. He wanted to finish the super plant thing he was working in Saradia, but it didn't really work. Or rather, it worked far too well.



Well duh.

Meanwhile, having failed at stealing the bacteria, the American company just resorts to threats. They demand that Japan hand over the bacteria, or they will set of a detonation at Godzilla's volcano that will destroy the mountain top and set Godzilla free. Oh no! ...Except I don't see the problem. Keep the bacteria, let them free Godzilla, kill Godzilla with the bacteria. Done. But this doesn't occur to them and they decide to hand the bacteria over.

Meanwhile there's some commotion at the lake near Shiragami's house.



His monster plant has found itself a home.



WELL DUH. Christ, they should have called the movie Godzilla vs Captain Obvious.

He explains that the plant is Biollante, some kind of norse plant god that's actually a plant with a human spirit and the psychic girl thinks the plant has Erica's spirit because she can hear it but I don't understand any of this and now I have a headache. Let's just forgot all that go to the next scene.



Oh not him again! He's almost as mysterious as the fucking plant. He shows up during the trade for the bacteria and shoots everyone, making off with the bacteria and also making sure that the bomb on the volcano goes off. Which means this movie is about to get good.



EEERRRRWWWHHHHHHEEERRRR

It's probably worth noting that the Godzilla roar was actually updated in Return of Godzilla, to sound more animalistic. It still starts with the trademark mechanical screech but then it becomes more like an actual roar or a growl. I like it.

Some Japanese agents set out to get the bacteria back and they eventually do but happens over the course the next 45 minutes or so so I won't bother recounting it because it's not that interesting but just so you know, they get it back. Back to the fun bits.

Godzilla leaves the volcanic island and heads out to sea towards mainland Japan. The Japanese Navy puts up a fight but you'd think they would know how this goes by now. It goes like this:



KABOOM. Awesome. The effects in these newer films are wonderful. Loving this shit. After wasting some good Japanese sailors, they unleash Super X2. It's main new feature is the Fire Mirror, which can absorb and reflect Godzilla's atomic fire breath.



Pew pew pew. Super X2 actually fends Godzilla off, as he dives underwater and the lose track of him. But he soon pops up again, heading towards Biollante. Why? Because Biollante is actually calling out for Godzilla for some reason. It's never really explained why, but it's something to do with them having the same cells or whatever.



It's time for the big fight! Biollante's tentacles (I guess they're roots but who cares, they're tentacles) rush out and wrap around Godzilla and start biting him because each root has a head with lots of teeth and stuff. But Godzilla isn't taking shit.



"I have teeth too bitch!"



"Well I can spit acid! Can you do that punk?!"



"No, but I can breath atomic fire motherfucker!"



And so Biollante is defeated. It's embers rise into the night sky and it crumbles into the lake.

THE END.




Oh, there's still 40 minutes left. That's bizarre. Biollante's dead. How the hell can they get another 40 minutes out of this?

Well Godzilla wanders off, presumably to find a power plant and get some energy, so they still have him to deal with. He's not the hero who just minds his own business once the bad guy is defeated anymore. He's a monster and he's going to monster it up big time.

There's a really weird scene where the pschic girl tries to stop Godzilla.



All she does is strain for a few seconds and collapse, and it doesn't affect Godzilla in the least. Totally pointless scene. But Godzilla ends up in Osaka.



SUBTLE. The military have a plan this time. They set up soldiers in a bunch of skyscrapers with rocket launchers that fire rockets filled with the bacteria. They use Super X2 to lure Godzilla into position and hit Godzilla with the bacteria, although Super X2 doesn't come out of it too well. Godzilla's breath is so hot it eventually melts the mirror and Super X2 is fucked at that point.



But Godzilla is now infected with the bacteria, so count your blessings and all that. Except it doesn't seem to be working. He continues to wander towards the nearest power plant unaffected. It's only then that they realise Godzilla is cold blooded, and his body temperature is too cold for the bacteria to reproduce. They have to heat him up somehow. Luckily Japan has just the thing. A new experimental technology called the Thunder Control Field, which can create a localised lightning storm that will heat Godzilla up.

So they set this whole thing up in Godzilla's path and he falls for it but they still can't beat him even with the artificial storm. But then something weird happens.



"What the hell is that?" I thought, and Godzilla seemed just as puzzled as I was.



Believe it or not, that is Biollante. What I assumed were fire embers rising into the sky were actually... I don't know, spores? That'll do. It's never explained. But they land on the ground and Biollante bursts forth.



WOAH, Biollante did some evolving while it was in the sky somehow. So now we have the ultimate showdown, and I have to say...



Godzilla looks outmatched here. Biollante is like twice his size. But no worries, it's Godzilla. Godzilla doesn't lose. He defeated King Gidorah, he defeated Gigan, he defeated Mechagodzilla, he can defeat Biollante. COME ON GODZILLA!



Daaamn! That looks painful. He can come back from it though, he can...



Jesus Christ Biollante, give him a chance!



HOLY SHIT!



WHAT THE FUCK?! NOW THE BACTERIA KICKS IN?!

Godzilla just got annihilated. That isn't supposed to happen. Godzilla doesn't die. HE DOESN'T DIE! Except in the first film. But that was retconned in the last film so HE DOESN'T DIE!

Biollante just turns into spores and floats into the sky again and...



Oh bullshit. Buuuuuuuuullshit. They're still going with that nonsense about Biollante having Erica's spirit. It makes no sense. Even with the rules of the film it makes no god damn sense.



Oh fuck off you. I'm in a bad mood now.

Agent Saradia shows up at the end at shoots Shiragami out of spite I guess, so that Japan can't make any more of the bacteria. Which makes no sense because plenty of other people knew about it and they could have made it without him. But he gets singled out for some reason.

So some character who's name I never bothered to write down or remember chases after Agent Saradia. Yes, this Godzilla movies ends with a human vs human fight. Although...



...that was kind of worth it. If you're having a hard time following this, he stood on one of the Thunder Control panels and got zapped.

THE END





I knew it! The water cooled his body temperature which stopped the bacteria working so he's okay! But I guess the military still want to kill him.



Nope. He just goes back out to see. Biollante isn't dead, Godzilla is free to go wherever he wants, but the military are just like "You crazy scoundrels, just be good from now on".

This exact situation happened 40 minutes ago but they insisted on going after Godzilla. What the hell is so different now? Nothing, that's what! But it's the end of the film, for real this time, so everyone just gives up.



And Biollante is now a giant rose orbiting the Earth.

THE END FINALLY

1991: Godzilla vs King Ghidorah



That's right. Godzilla's greatest foe from the showa era, King Ghidorah, is back!

So oddly enough the film starts in the future, in the year 2204. A submersible is exploring the bottom of the ocean, when it discovers the corpse of King Ghidorah.



We hear some people talking about it off screen. Apparently King Ghidorah was defeated by Godzilla in the 20th century, and even lost one of his heads. Way to spoil the ending right away.

Then we go back to 1992, where a UFO is spotted over Tokyo. A writer named Teresawa is asked to write about it, but he only wants to do serious journalism now. Like going to interview a crazy guy about a dinosaur.



This guy was a soldier in WW2, and he claims that when his company was stranded on Lagos Island during the war, a dinosaur appeared and fought off the American soldiers.

Back to the UFO, at a government meeting they are sure that it's a real UFO. On top of that, the UFO was also seen over the island where Godzilla and Biollante fought. Which was a surprise to me because I saw Godzilla vs Biollante and had no idea they fought on a small island. Apparently Godzilla's not a risk at the moment because the nuclear bacteria they used on him in the last film has kept him weak, but they're worried that the UFO and Godzilla might be linked.

Meanwhile Teresawa has somehow come to the conclusion that the dinosaur on Lagos Island is Godzilla, because nuclear testing was done near the island in the 50s. He tracks down another soldier who saw the dinosaur, Mr. Shindo. Who luckily took some pictures that he kept secret all these years.



After all these years it looks like we're going to get an explicit origin story for Godzilla. I remember the first film saying that he had just been living in the ocean and the atomic bombs disturbed him, rather than created him.

During all this, the UFO landed.



And the aliens emerge.



Except, and this is where the usual Godzilla madness begins, they're not aliens. They're humans from 2204 who have traveled back in time. Turns out that sometime in the 21st century, Godzilla will reappear, and the battle to stop him will cause a nuclear fallout so bad that all of Japan will either be destroyed or abandoned.

I don't really get that because they've fought off Godzilla without destroying the entire country before, but since these guys are from the future, the Japanese Government believe them.



I'd trust 'em.

The plan is to use the time machine, travel back to 1944, and move the Lagos Dinosaur somewhere else so that it never becomes Godzilla, therefore wiping Godzilla out of history. Not sure why they have to go back to during the war to do this, rather than 1950 or something. The nuclear tests were done in 1954, so there's plenty of times they could choose from. But they picked the specific day when the dinosaur saved the Japanese soldiers, for no other reason than to have a scene where the dinosaur fights off the Americans.

If you're wondering why they first went back to 1992 to tell people about this plan, rather than just doing it, then... Screw you. There is no reason. They do want to take some people from 1992 with them, but again, there's no reason for it.

I should also say right now that the time travel in this movie makes no damn sense so I won't even try to figure it out.

So the official time travel time team consists of, from 1992:





And from 2204 we have:



I think the producers must have seen Terminator in between the last Godzilla movie and this one, because the android... Well you'll see.

They're not using the big ship to go back in time, as there's a smaller ship that can also do it, and the smaller ship is also equipped with a teleporter, which is what they're going to use to move Godzilla. They enter the ship, and g-



What the hell is that?



WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!



Right, she is clearly insane and it's not safe to bring her on this mission.

These little freaks are Dorats. They're basically bio-engineered Furbies, and they're very popular pets in the future. Why on Earth did they bring some Dorats back with them you may ask?



How comforting.

The team warp back to Lagos, 1944. A couple of US Navy officers are on deck at night and see the ship fly to the island. They instantly agree that it definitely came from another planet but also instantly agree to never tell anyone about. As you do. But then one of them turns to the other and says:

"You can tell your son about it when he's born, Major Spielberg."

I had the stop the film and walk that line off. I never expected anything like that in this film.

Just as planned though, they arrive just as a battle starts between the Japanese and American forces. And I must say it was very strange to see the Japanese being all patriotic and wanting to fight for their country. It's almost as if they thought they were on the right side, silly buggers. But just when it looks like the Japanese are defeated, the Lagos Dinosaur appears to save the day!



Mostly he just pushed trees over, which is really odd. I think it's  because earlier in the film that crazy guy said the dinosaur tried to be peaceful at first, and pushing a tree on someone is the most peaceful thing a dinosaur can do.

To think, after having that stupid Spielberg line and then showing this silly dinosaur attack, it would only be 2 years later that Spielberg would release Jurassic Park.

Anyway, the dinosaur chases everyone to the beach where the boats start shooting at it.



Despite not being Godzilla yet the dinosaur somehow survives a goddamn artillery strike from a battleship and slinks back off into the jungle. The Americans are defeated and the Japanese are saved. Before they leave they pay their respects to the injured dinosaur.



It might looks like it's dead but obviously the dinosaur survives, because it went on to become Godzilla. Our time travelling friends can put a stop to that now though. As I mentioned, they plan to teleport the dinosaur somewhere else, so it never becomes Godzilla.

Which of course makes a lot more sense than, say, killing it. No, just leave it alive but put it on another island. I'm sure that won't come back to bite them in the arse. After teleporting the dinosaur away, the team prepares to leave. But before they do, Emmy lets the Dorats go. Oh yeah, let the genetic freaks loose on an island that you know will be exposed to radiation capable of creating Godzilla like monsters. What a brilliiant idea. I can't foresee any prob-...

Wait...

There's 3 Dorats, and they have wings and gold scales... Don't tell me...



Of course! The Dorats become King Ghidorah! Good going future people. Although despite Godzilla having never existed now, everyone still seems to remember him. Even the people who never time traveled. And yet King Ghidorah it seems has only just appeared, even though he should have been around since the 50s, replacing Godzilla in the timeline, but...

Forget it.

KING GHIDORAH IN THE HOUSE!



OR RATHER ON TOP THE HOUSE!

It's revealed that the future people created King Ghidorah on purpose, so that they would have a giant monster they could control. You see they can control King Ghidorah because he was made from the Dorats, which they could also control apparently. They react to sound or something, although we never ever see them use sound to control King Ghidorah. They just bark orders at a screen and somehow King Ghidorah obeys. They plan to destroy most of Japan and have it rebuilt according to their designs.

Why would they want that? Well Emmy, the one who deliberately let the Dorats out remember, suddenly has a change of heart. She escapes the ship using the least convincing jetpack ever...



...and goes to see Teresawa to spill the beans. You see, they lied about what happens to Japan, and who they were. Japan doesn't get destroyed by Godzilla, it actually becomes superpowerful and pretty much buys the world, becoming not just the dominant superpower, but the only superpower. Emmy and her friends are actually some radical political activists who stole the time machine so they could come back and change stuff so the future was more equal.

So what now? What can they possibly do? The military is useless against King Ghidorah and there's no Godzilla-



Oh of course. It's so simple! Just make Godzilla all over again. And a certain Mr. Shindo is just the man to help. I don't think I mentioned it but after being a soldier in WW2 Shindo became a businessman and is heavily credited with the economic prosperity Japan is enjoying. In fact, his company is part of what make's Japan so powerful in the future.

He's been using submarines to store nuclear waste, and they plan to sink one of these subs near the island the dinosaur is living on, thus exposing it to radiation and creating Godzilla. I guess the specific type of radiation doesn't matter. I mean, I was under the impression it was a freak accident, and the specific conditions on Lagos Island are what created Godzilla. Hence why the future people had to use the exact same method to creat King Ghidorah. But apparently not, you can just dump radioactive material on something and it'll turn into a giant monster. Shame the people from the future never realised that, they could have save themselves some hassle.



Oh come on! They knew that it would be possible to recreate Godzilla?! Then why the fuck didn't they: A) Kill the fucking dinosaur, and B) Create King Ghidorah in 1992. Especially since modern nuclear power...

I'm getting ahead of myself. I skipped past the second best scene in the movie.



M11 is sent to get Emmy back, which involves a kick ass car chase. After ripping the door of Teresawa's car, it looks like M11 has it all wrapped up. But there's one thing he didn't count on.

CARDBOARD BOXES!



After narrowly avoiding the deadly cardboard boxes, only to blow up for no reason like a Simpsons joke, you'd think M11 would be done for.



See what I mean about the Terminator vibe? But still, Emmy and Teresawa have driven away. Even a Terminator can't catch up with a speeding car on foot.

Good thing M11 isn't a Terminator then.



He's a road runner.

So after trying to get away from him all that time, Emmy just goes back with M11. But then she easily reprograms him to follow her orders. Very convenient.

Anyway, even though the future know damn well exactly what the humans plan to do, they don't move King Ghidorah to stop them recreating Godzilla. Not that it matters, because...



...yeah. In a rather confusing turn of events, Shindo's sub discovers that Godzilla is already back. In a huge coincidence, another sub full of nuclear waste already sank at the exact same place by accident, which turned the dinosaur into Godzilla. And not only is he back...



That's right. Because he was created by 1992 radiation, which is much more powerful than 1954 radiation, Godzilla is even bigger and stronger than before. So the future people have so far achieved fuck all. Far from getting rid of Godzilla, they ended up making him more of a threat than ever.



WELL IF YOU KNEW THAT... FUCK IT.

I'm convinced these people have no clue what they're doing. They stole a time machine and had a vague plan about making Japan weaker, but now they're just winging and claiming any unintended repurcussions as being part of their original scheme. Next thing you know they'll be claimer the bigger Godzilla was part of their plan.



How immensely unsurprising.

Oh well, bollocks to all that. Godzilla and King Ghidorah are about to throw down!



Despite Godzilla being bigger and better than before, while King Ghidorah is under the control of the future people he actually kicks ass.



His wings can even deflect Godzilla's atomic fire breath. That's pretty much Godzilla's only weapon, unless he's up against a building. This is looking pretty bad for Godzilla.





It's looking really bad for Godzilla. Could be possibly lose this battle? Biollante wrecked him in the last film, and even though this is a new-ish and improved Godzilla, he's getting wrecked again. I might be slightly worried if the film hadn't announced right at the start that King Ghidorah loses and gets one of his heads blown off.







Gee, what a shocker. Those wings aren't so durable now, eh?

What turned the fight around was that Teresawa snuck onto the time machine with Emmy and M11, and they blew up the computers and stuff that were being used to control King Ghidorah. Left to his own devices, he was a total pansy and Godzilla beat the shit out of him.

Emmy, M11 and Teresawa also teleported the time machine to the battlefield, and Godzilla blew it to pieces, killing all the evil future people.

In the Showa era, that would be the end of the movie. But oh no, now they need to get rid of Godzilla (again), because he's a mindless rampaging monster.

Or is he? What happens next is easily the best scene in the film, and possible the best scene in the whole franchise to date, excluding the first movie and Jet Jaguar.

Tokyo has been evacuated due to the imminent threat from Godzilla, but Mr. Shindo has stayed behind in his top floor office. He wants to take responsibility and face the monster he helped to create, as well as the dinosaur who once saved his life. A noble gesture and a powerful moment, as Shindo comes face to face with both his salvation and possible destruction.



As the beast lays his eyes upon him, Shindo remembers the animal he has thanked and respected all these years.



Godzilla pauses. Is it possible that he remembers this man?



Shindo stares into Godzilla's eyes, uncertain of what stares back at him.



Could it be? Has Godzilla gained the faintest glimmer of humanity? Will he once again spare Shindo's life?



PSYCHE! FUCK YOU PUNY HUMAN! GODZILLA SPARES NO ONE! EEERRRRWWWHHHHHHEEERRRR!


So how exactly are they going to defeat Godzilla this time?



I'm sorry, what?



WHAT?



WHAT?



I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR THIS.

Well... I bet you didn't see this coming. Because I sure as hell didn't. But here we are. So I guess that scene at the start of the film was actually a flash forward to the point where go to salvage King Ghidorah, who was somehow still alive.

What a bizarre escalation. They got rid of Godzilla, but ended up with King Ghidorah. Then they got rid of King Ghidorah but ended up with a Mega Godzilla. Now they've brought back Mecha King Ghidorah to get rid of Mega Godzilla.

Fuckin' awesome!



Yeah! Look at that crazy shit!



Oh man they crashed into that building and totally wrecked it!



Holy crap Ghidorah was biting Godzilla but Godzilla blasted him in the face!

And yes, Emmy is inside Mecha King Ghidorah piloting him. She prepares to use Mecha King Ghidorah's ultimate weapon, the Godzilla Grip!



Now Godzilla is caught in electric cables! And King Ghidorah starts to fly away! What's going to happen next?!



...

Oh who cares it was still cool! That was a great and completely unexpected final battle.

Emmy survives and goes back to the future in her little ship. She even has a special, totally pointless message for Teresawa.



What a revelation no one gives a shit.

But what of Godzilla?



THE END.