Kaio Watches History Channel's THE BIBLE

History Channel's first foray into scripted programming, The Bible is a 10 episode anthology series based on a book by the same name (or so I've heard), full of wondrous and magical stories (and smiting). In a way it is like the TV series Grimm which is also based on a book of fairytales.

Let's find out if this series is any good and take a good, solid look at characterization, storytelling and overall quality.

Also, for the ones who have read the book, no spoilers plz.

The episode starts with a notificaion that "This program is an adaption of bible stories that changed our world".

Now I think that's quite arrogant. You don't see the Harry Potter movies start like this.

I take it this show is historically accurate?

Now we get a preview of the upcoming show which is kind of a weird thing to do.

It looks like Game of Thrones with poor people, basically.

Then a Scottish man tells the story of the creation of the world. God sounds like a poorly conceived plot device. He can do anything, but we don't really learn why he's doing this stuff.

Adam and Eve (the first people) eat a fruit in a very sexy manner.

Then one guy beats another guy to death with a rock (like Smeagol and Deagol) and it pisses God off. He fucked up with these humans.

Then a guy is on a boat in a storm with a bunch of animals.

God killed all people on Earth because they weren't good followers. What a dick.

This story is moving really fast! I can't relate to this people.

Now we are introduced to Abraham, who lives in the whitest region in the Middle East, and he tells a bunch of people a man talked to him and they have to find the land of wonder.

For some reason, they believe him instead of bashing his face in with a stone (as was customary at the time).

Abraham's nephew is like LOL U later on though and leaves Crazy Abe with a bunch of other people as the move to a town called Soddom (Saddam? Couldn't understand).

One year later, Soddom has been conquered and Abe goes to help with a bunch of other people. A lot of killing and slicing happens, but at the end of it Abraham saves his nephew and the other prisoners.

Lot (the newphew) is still like LOL U though when Abraham asks him to come along on his journey.

Abraham's barren wife tells him to fuck the slave to get kids. They still could've made it a threesome though.

14 years later, Abraham has a son (Ishmael? Names are weird in this if you're not familiar with the source material). His barren wife is bitter even though she came up with the crazy plan to get the kid.

Abraham is then visited by three hooded men (a black man, a Korean and a handsome blond man. The latter one is God, which creates an inconsistency with what's shown in Bruce Almighty).

The barren wife is told that she will have a boy named Isaac (means laughter).

Meanwhile, Soddom has turned into a fun time out (like Las Vegas). So obviously dick God complains it has become a place of sin (vague concept). He needs 50 "righteous" people (also vague) and he won't destroy the city.

The black man and the Korean reveal they're wearning battle armour under their robes. They turn some people into blind folks which is pretty funny. Then the angels start dual wielding some blades and kill everyone for max xp. They have srs mad skillz.

After Abraham's family is saved, Soddom is torpedoed by a meteor rain or something. It's kind of like what a Final Fantasy boss would do. But I think we're supposed to be rooting for the destruction of this town? I dunno, I like Las Vegas!

Also, the angels tell Lot's family not to look back when they run away, but Lot's wife does anyway, because y'know METEOR SHOWER, and she's turned to salt. Random and dickish.

Meanwhile, Isaac is born. Abraham's wife and Abraham's slave are jealous of each other. They can't decide who will be the heir, but Abraham ultimately tells his slave and bastard to go fuck off into the desert.

Everybody in this show is a dick.

10 years later, Isaac looks like he's retarded. Looks like Abe made the wrong choice.

God tells Abe he wants ANOTHER sacrifice and so Abe takes his son into the desert and almost murders him. But then God and a little lamb (the real sacrifice) show up and it turns out fine, because Abraham WASN'T supposed to kill his son! Oh you God you. Isaac continues to be a happy boy, further proving this kid has Down's.

God decides Abraham is dickish enough to lead God's nation. Isaac will have a son named Jacob, but God is fuck that I'll name him Israel, after the dickish country that hear about in the news every day.

After a timeskip, we learn that the Jews got lost on the way and ended up as slaves in Egypt. Oops! In the cliffhanger we are introduced to Moses, the prince of Egypt (he is also in the movie The Prince of Egypt).

Overall this story seems somewhat mean-spirited and not very cohesive. The characters lack empathy and God is a douchebag.

Stories that skip through time a lot are like that. Just like Clod Atlus.

Episode 2: Exodus

Moses and his stepbrother fight each other. His stepbrother is super jealous. I thought they were friends like in the animated movie. ;___;

Moses' stepmom tells him he's a Jew and Moses saves some old man from being beaten to clubbing the slaver with a rock (of course), after which he runs off into the desert.

40 years later (damn timeskips), Moses is living in a sweatlodge on Mount Sinai. A burning bush (nobody ever though this was stupid?) tells him to get his people. Don't do drugs, mmkay?

Moses goes back to Egypt and is reunited with his siblings, who vouch for his crazy dreams of burning bushes. He goes to his stepbrother and asks to let his people go.

LET MY PEOPLE GOOOOOOOOOO

Moses pulls out a feat by turning the water his stepbrother is bathing in into blood (not to be confused with the feat of turning water into wine). Then he sends a bunch plagues to Egypt. The ultimate dick move revolves around God killing all the firsborns. Because killing the innnocents to prove a point always works well.

The pharaoh tells Moses and his people to fuck off. But then he changes his mind and goes after the Jews. Make up your mind already.

The Jews are trapped before the Red Sea, but Moses uses his hobo stick and Sony Vegas to split the sea and they escape (deus ex machina). Unlike the animated version, the pharaoh stays behind and contines to be super pissed until he realises he can just make new children and slaves.

lol moment: the narrator saying "Moses returns to Mount Sinai, where God first spoke to him in the burning bush" in completely matter of fact tone.

Moses gets the Ten Commandments (also a movie) and gives them to Joshua (I don't remember what his relevance is).

This episode was boring and lacked songs. Prince of Egypt is way better.

Episode 3: Homeland (not to be confused with the quality TV series)

40 years later (of course), Joshua and his army is fighting Israel's inhabitants because fuck them they aren't the promised people.

A pretty whore helps two Jews escape from the city of Jericho.

Joshua gets help from some black dude, who claims to be the commander of God's army. I assume that means he's Gabriel. He gives Joshua the hilarious task of walking around the city for six days, after which the city gets destroyed. This is baffling.

The Jews rape and pillage the city, except the pretty whore and her family.

100 years later -_____-

The Jews have finally taken full control of Israel, but they are surrounded by angry neighbouring countries, of course. The Muslims are here referred to as Phillistines, but we all know who they REALLY are.

We're also introduced to Samson, a gigantic black man with epic dreadlocks who is kind of like a superhero in that he can destroy anything. He goes on an epic revenge rage after his wife is killed by the Muslims. His people tell him to cut it with the killing, but he continues doing it later on anyway. Cuz he an angry black man, yo.

Samson then meets a super hot woman called Delilah. Samson, being a complete moron, tells her his power is in his hair. She sells him out and cuts his hair. I would've done the same.

Samson's eyes are cut out for extra gore, but it turns out he's still super powerful anyway and he destroys a temple. What a twist! Everybody dies, including Samson. Delilah too, which is a shame because she was the best character yet.

Decades later............ some guy named Samuel has been talking about uniting in harmony, but apparantly that didn't go well either. Also his sons are douchebags, so he makes some other guy called Saul the king.

Boring episode.

Episode 4: Kingdom

Saul and Samuel are the two new dumbfuck rulers. I think Saul is meant to be the bad guy here, but I don't think the fact that he doesn't like to kill all the people and animals, like Samuel/God wants him to, makes him all that evil.

Samuel goes on a trip and makes random dudebro sheppard David the new king.

The Muslims, meanwhile, have a new leader named Goliath. David kills him by throwing stones at his head (original).

DECADES later, David is super popular and Saul gets a bit scared. He offers him his daughter for some reason though. Saul goes crazier every day and David flees from the city like a bitch.

Later on Saul starts looking for him and is ambushed by David while taking a piss. So uncool. David doesn't kill him though, because he's a wuss.

Saul kills himself after his son dies in battle. David becomes king and somehow manages to conquer Jerusalem with only three men.

David falls in love with somebody else's wife and he gets her pregnant, of course. Dramaaaaaaa. So he sends the guy off to die in the battlefield, while he lives the good life. God doesn't like this.

Prophet: "He will bring disaster on your ass" (was probably not in the original)

David's son dies, but they get another kid anyway. Pointless.

This is the douchiest thing I've ever watched.

Episode 5: Survival

We are introduced to another king, Zedekiah, who is a snitch who both works for Egypt and Babylon. Babylon gets pissed and declares war. They quickly rape and pillage Jerusalem. Super sad all this.

The Babylonian king kills Zedekiah's kids and then stabs his eyes out. The Jews are then kicked out of the country.

Daniel, some guy, becomes advisor to the Babylonian king. The king burns three guys to death because they didn't bow before him. But God saves them and they casually walk out of the fire.

YEARS later... the Hebrew bible (OMG NAMEDROP) is created and the Babylonian king has gone insane.

Even more YEARS later, Babylon is attacked by Persia. Ah, the Middle-East and their wars. Daniel disobeys his new king and is thrown into a lion's den. He survives the night though and the scared shitless king sends the Jews back to Jerusalem.

Daniel has a prophecy about the Roman army and Jesus. In a 500 year timeskip we learn that Israel keeps getting attacked until they fall before the Romans. Love those guys.

This was the most boring episode yet. STEP IT UP. Every character in this "epic" sux.

Keep going, this is highly entertaining.

The Old Testament is done, time for the sequel. Will it be shit like most sequels or have the writers learned a lesson from their previous failings? Let's find out!

Episode 6: Hope

The Jews are removing the eagle (symbol of Americans and Nazis) from their temple. The Romans placed it there, because their leader is secretely a time-travelling Adolf Hitler.

We are introduced to two new characters in the city of Nazareth, Galileo. Their names are Mary and the Virgin Joseph (Baal). The Romans come in and do a razzia.

One of the angels tells Mary she will soon get THE SON. She is like lolwat, but is okay with it. Mary tells Joseph that she was impregnated by God and didn't commit adultery (yeah, right). Josepth being a loser virgin doesn't dump his wife and instead goes along with it after an angel shows him THE SON.

We learn that THE SON was already predicted during Moses' era. Sounds like a retcon.

Some fatass Jew king is told by an astronomer (sounds like a fake job) that a babby will be born who will be the new Jew king. So they go through a slew of prophecies (yes they actually have a prophecy collection!) and find out the astronomer was right.

Mary gives birth in a dirty barn and becomes an example to millions of accidentally knocked up girls. Thanks God! The astronomer and two other fellas give treasure to the newly born babby, who is now named Jesus.

BTW this scene was done better in Mr. Bean.

The Romans kill all the babbies just like in the Game of Thrones season 2 premiere. But one babby escapes. WHAT A COINCIDENCE.

There's a bit of an uprising but the Romans just crucify everyone. Joseph, Mary and lil' boy Jesus come by the crosses a couple years later and Jesus is like LOL U ALL GOT CROSSED xD LMAO

25 years later there's a new Roman governor called Pontius Pilate. He has trouble pronouncing the "r". Also there's a guy who throws people in the water and drowns them. He is called John the Baptist.

Jesus is now a fully grown man and has become the whitest man to ever live in the Middle-East. Just like it says in the American scripture. John drowns ("baptises") him and then Jesus lives in the desert for a month or so after that. Satan challenges him to turn stone into bread and he SUCCEEDS. OMG. Then Jesus gets to choose between becoming king of the world or getting tortured and crucified. Jesus, likely retarded as a result of his questionable parental heritage, chooses the latter.

Jesus completely crashes a fisherman's party by jumping into his boat without asking. The guy is named Peter and he is NOT amused. But they catch a shitload of fish, so they're bff now.

"Give up fishing and I will make you the fisher of man" Nice one, Jesus.

In a dungeon John the Drowner tells his captor that the messiah is..... JESUS. DUN DUN DUN

John's head is then cut off, even though it would've been way funnier if he was drowned or lit on fire.

Episode 7: Mission

Jesus is now treated like a big time celebrity. Sort of like an old-school Justin Bieber. The priests are kind of like HMMMMMMM at this (their descendants would later be known as "critics").

Jesus heals some blind guy. Guess he's a white mage now. Explains his white clothes. Jesus talks some shit and teaches people how to pray. He also assembles groupies. This is basically a JRPG now.

Jesus saves a whore from stoning by having all the sinners drop their stones. They then get married and have a family that reaches all the way to Audrey Tatout.

The priests all look like Middle-Easterners and have thick accents. HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

Jesus and Pals realise that thousands of people have been following them. They somehow missed this. Everybody is super happy, so things will most likely start to fall apart from here on out.

The groupies get lost in the storm and suddenly see a guy walking on water. One of them utters "JESUS CHRIST", originating the expression that comes with a sense of utter shock/disbelief. Jesus tells Peter to join him on the water, but he sinks like a rock and almost drowns. Jesus: the first troll.

Jesus goes home and basically tells everyone he is the messiah. Arrogant.

Judas has a nice pointy goatee and a red robe. He's almost as cool as Jafar.

There's a bit of an uprising in Jerusalem, so the Romans do another razzia.

Jesus brings a guy back to life. I call bullshit. He doesn't even have Dragon Balls. He says that whoever believes in him will have eternal life. I CALL BULLSHIT.

So this show is definitely listening to my complaints. We no longer have a shitload of timeskips, an incoherent plot and things are finally happening. But Jesus is a bit of a Gary Stu.

Episode 8: Betrayal

Jesus goes to Jerusalem on a donkey, which just happened to be prophecized. The temple has become a bank now where you can exchange money and stuff. Jesus is like FUCK THIS DONT YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO GREEEEEEEEEECE and tells everyone to gtfo of his house.

This preaching is getting boring now zzzzzzzzzzz.

Jesus says he will destroy the temple, channeling the smite-happy attitude of his old man.

Judas gets 30 pieces of silver to sell out Jesus. Good deal imo. I know enough people who would do the same to get rid off contemporary pop stars.

Jesus is partying with his bros when he gets a vision of his impending death. I'd get the hell out of there asap, but that's probably why I'm a cynical internet commenter on an internet board with only about three apostles, instead of an icon.

Jesus tells everyone that they should eat his body and blood.

"This is my dick and this is my cum" - Kaiolino, cynical internet commenter, evening before GameFAQs ban

Jesus tells Peter that he will deny him three times. Which seems like a self-fulfilling prophecy when you openly say it like that tbh.

Jesus is arrested. Peter cuts off someone's ear which is his greatest contribution to this story so far. Jesus grows the ear back though. Jesus gets kicked a bunch of times and is then sentenced to death.

This show really is ripping off Game of Thrones if Jesus dies in Episode 9.

Episode 9: Passion

Judas sees Jesus get committed to death. He is kind of sad about it. Also Satan is following him.

Peter denies Jesus three times, but the situation was understandable tbqh.

Pilate's wife becomes a Jesus follower. I'd watch a show about this marriage. It seems like an interesting thing to watch.

Judas kills himself. Poor guy.

Pilate tries to help Jesus out for a bit, otherwise no sex for a month. They beat the shit out of him for a while. Then as an apology they give him a crown (made of thorns, but it's the thought that counts). Pilate gives the people the option to choose between the release of Jesus and a murderer named Biggus Dickus. They choose the latter cuz his name is so funny. Then the people demand Jesus' crucifixion. Pilate is already smelling the sad loneliness of the couch.

Jesus has to carry a giant cross while they whip him. Super tragic, but he's still a Gary Stu.

Some random black guy is told to carry the cross for Jesus. The racism in this show!!!!

There's a bit of pointless goat slaughtering going on.

Jesus is thrown onto his cross. He still forgives these traitorous, ungrateful bastards though. What a complete and utter moron. Hope you enjoy your martyrdom, asshole.

The Romans play board games while Jesus is busy dying. That's pretty awesome. They also give him water when he says he's thirsty. So generous!

Jesus questions why his god has forsaken him, which is a fair enough question.

Jesus dies and there's a huge earthquake. Crazy coincidence. Ned Stark's death was better though (spoilers).

Jesus' body is thrown into a tomb, but three days later this crazy bastard is back to life. So basically this show is like a mix of Game of Thrones and DBZ.

Y'know, I think I once watched a Mel Gibson torture porn flick with a similar premise as this episode.

Episode 10: Courage

Jesus' body is remade after the apostles drink some bread and eat some wine. Then Jesus starts preaching again because goddamn what else would he do. Then he dissappears again.

50 days later, the apostles do some crazy prayer in Hebrew/Latin and there's wind and crazy shit starts happening. This gives them magical powers to heal people. Of course.

One of the apostles (I think he's an apostle) gets stoned to death. If I could make gifs I'd make one of this guy's stonerface getting mashed in.

The Romans get down to bznz and start beating the shit out of all the Jesus followers. The leader of these stormtroopers is one of the most hammy actors ever. Jesus looks him up though and blinds him. Haha. The douchebag apologises though and gets his eyesight back. Lame.

The Jewish headpriest is sick of this shit and gives up.

Another apostle (I think? This show is vague) is beheaded. Should've happened in the previous episode.

Paul makes a longwinded boring speech and recruits a guy named Luke. I think he's significant. I know for a fact that in some scripture Luke is the one who will overcome the Dark Side.

Meanwhile Jesus coaxes Peter into opening the door for Roman soldiers so he can get arrested. This guy just loves to troll Peter. Oh wait, the Romans actually bow before him. Lame. Cornelius is the first race traitor to bow before the heretic Christ.

Peter finally gets to fish man.

20 years later.... Peter tries to convert some people in front of Roman soldiers. Great idea! All the disciples are killed. Peter is crucified upside down in Rome. Serves him right.

John, the disciple who was poisoned, survives and is exiled to a Greek island. There he writes some book called Revelations. I don't know what's in it, but it probably sucks. Jesus shows up and starts bragging about being the alpha and omega. Then he says he is "coming soon".

I'm still waiting.

The end.

What a load of shit. I can't imagine devoting your life to this fairytale nonsense.

P.S. nothing about how gays are evil. Or abortion. Or euthanasia.

Rating out of 10?

I love your write-ups, this and the DBZ one.

Skip wrote:

Rating out of 10?

3/10. It had good music and good acting (especially considering what they had to say).

Patrick Swayze wrote:

I love your write-ups, this and the DBZ one.

Thank you! I also do write-up on comic book issues on GameFAQs, but you kinda have to be into that to get them.

I wonder if they'll ever make a book of this.