Kima's Retrospective Reviews - LOTR: The Third Age

Hello and welcome to the first edition of Kima's Retrospective Reviews. I doubt these will be very regular, but I'll probably do them every once and a while. BTW, this being a complete review, there will be spoilers galore... however, I have significant doubt that any of you would care about this game anyway, so whatever. In this first episode of KRR, I will review one of EA's paragons of mediocrity, tainting a franchise I know and love very much... "The Lord of the Rings: The Third Age" for the PS2.

First off, the initial loading sequence consists of an abominably long and unskippable list of the responsible companies, as if forcing us to recognize who we'll want to complain to. When you actually get into the game itself, you face another massive cutscene, albeit a skippable one; as epic as Sir Ian McKellen is at playing Gandalf, it's much better to watch him act rather than hear him monologue about pointless backstory that anyone with a sliver of LOTR lore could deduce on their own.

That said, let's talk about the story itself. Berethor, EA's generic representation of a Gondor captain, has been sent by Denethor to follow after Boromir... for some reason. When nearing Rivendell, Berethor is assailed by a trio of Nazgul; this moment feels very odd, as not only to a mere two Nazgul attack instead of three, but the apparent timeline of the game suggests that your party is trudging barely behind the Fellowship itself. So why the hell are the Nazgul still lurking around Rivendell? Didn't they get washed away already? Whatever, glaring plothole aside, let's move on. It's not like aiding Gandalf against the Balrog is any more consistant (this battle is less exciting than it sounds).

Berethor is saved by your generic she-elf, Idrial, who uses her highest level in-game spell to destroy the wraiths; she then does the same thing that Arwen apparently did to Frodo, saving Berethor's life and making her a crappy Level 1 character. Anyhow, the two set off on their literally linear way, steadily picking up, in order, your token Ranger, Dwarf, Rohan Shieldmaiden, and Rohirrim Rider (the latter of which, unfortunately, lacks any sort of horse). All of these characters are as bland and forgettable as can be; at least EA is being consistant in this particular regard.

There doesn't even seem to be any specific point to their journey either, especially since the party has the attention span of a gnat. Berethor's true quest seems to come to light when the Witch King (head Nazgul) reveals that Berethor is apparently some kind of Nazgul sleeper agent and was sent to find Boromir by them and not Denethor. To add further stupidity to this scenario, Berethor frees himself by tearing away the controlling Nazgul dagger fragment and driving the Witch King away. Apparently, the so-called "Dark Lord's heir" is roughly as powerful as the grunt orcs at Minas Tirith.

There is also a very convoluted romance subplot. Idrial randomly kisses you during your travels in Moria, muttering some Elven gibberish afterward; later, when Morwen (the Rohan girl, who is completely useless BTW) shows up and asks for help, Idrial goes menstrual over the fact your willing to help "one pretty face". Later still, Morwen is mortally wounded at Minas Tirith; after being saved by Aragorn of all people, Idrial abruptly ends her non-existant relationship with Berethor, stating randomly that you and Morwen are meant for each other and that she knew this all along. Then why did you give me that kiss in Moria?

The ending is super confusing. One minute, you are hacking your way through the remaining Mordor forces at Minas Tirith; the next, you're at the fucking top of fucking Barad-dur, literally attacking the Eye of Sauron as the final boss! WHAT THE HELL? There isn't even an explanation as to why; you walk once step past this one patch of grass and BOOM! Even after you defeat him, there is absolutely no denoument to the quest you've just completed; just a generic finishing monologue about how the Fourth Age of Middle Earth has begun. Did even EA feel the story was too bland to warrant a proper ending?

Well, I haven't even talking about the actual gameplay yet. The maps are all blatantly linear, having only a few hidden crevices where you can find better gear (as you might guess, no shops or currency exist in-game). The combat itself is your generic turn-based RPG, making the game feel like LOTR meets Final Fantasy. The special moves are gained literally through grinding; each time you use a special move, based in either of a character's specialties (usually divided between attack and support skills), you gain a single point toward the progression of the next. In other words, if one has the patience or stupidity to do so, one could sit around in the first level and work up their better skills for later.

I think that's about it. Kima's Retrospective Review of LOTR:TTA. Comment away.

thanks for posting that i'll read it later

LOL

I had TTA for a while. Played it with a friend until Helm's Deep, where we accidentally pressed the wrong attack button, died and traded the game in. XD