Playthrough: Pokemon Crystal

okay generic shit blah blah let's get on with it


HMMMM, THAT'S A TOUGH ONE, LEMME THINK ABOUT THAT




aaoifkmops


Do you do this everytime somebody breaks into your house and wakes you up


Which is probably a figment of some autistic child's imagination


Gay.


I like how you can remember the names of like 200+ Pokemon, but not mine (or even your own grandson's name for that matter)


I'm ready!


OH MY FUCKING CHRIST WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME I WASN'T READY FOR THAT




So after coping with the fact that Wizard Oak just shrank me, I decide to fuck around in my room.


And I've come to the conclusion that this is the stupidest room a 10 year old could ever have.


Oh god now what


Wonderful. Now let me go so I can


does anybody in this game even own a calender or a clock seriously


OKAY, now that we've got that out of the way, it's time to hea-


FOR THE LOVE OF


WHAT'S NEXT, YOU GONNA ASK ME WHAT YEAR IT IS


&^&#*R$*(RUI$IOF


Okay, after all that bullshit blows over, I head off on my journey




Or at least I try to before another pointless obstacle gets in my way


Well, the only choice I have now is to go to Prof. Elm's lab


But first....


YOUR STUPID LOOKING RED HAIR YOU FUCKING SCENE FAG HAHAHAHAHA KILL YOURSELF


U MAD?


THAT KICK WAS FUCKING PATHETIC YOU SCRAWNY LITTLE COCKTEASE END YOUR PATHETIC LIFE


Alright, back to business.


Yep, I'm here for my Pokemon!


OH NO ELM YOU ARE NOT GONNA ROPE ME INTO RUNNING ERRANDS FOR YOU



Eat a dick, Elm.


Judging from when this game was released, it's probably one of your friends telling you to "Look at this funny animated picture I found!".


So Elm proceeds to tell me that he's too buttfuck lazy to go to Mr. Pokemon's house, so he forces me to do it for him. DID I MENTION THE FACT THAT I'M 10 YEARS OLD


After all that pointless crap, I FINALLY get to choose my Pokemon. Let's see who I'll go with....


Nah.


Nope.


Not interested.


FUCK YEAH, I FOUND MY NEW POKEMON ELM


But since the game programmers don't have a sense of humor, I just went with a fuckin' Totodile.


FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU


These guys love me a little too much


WHAT AM I GOING TO DO NOW?????????


absolutely nothing ok see ya next time queers

Alright, so instead of just automatically going off, I'm gonna explore the town.


I REGRET MY DECISION ALREADY


I did this like 6 times in a row. It's fun as hell.


well that was incredibly boring


Now let's see if I can head off on an adventure without THAT BITCH trying to stop me


holy fuck


where doing it man


where MAKING THIS HAPEN




So after that silly Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff reference, I encounter my first wild Pokemon!


THE FIRST WILD POKEMON I ENCOUNTER IN JOHTO IS A KANTO POKEMON

WOW

GAY


I'm gonna rip the shit out of it.


And that's exactly what I did


About 10+ times to be exact. God, I love VBA's speed up feature


wow it's really like I'm in the early 90s again!!!!!!


And now I've finally reached Cherrygrove City.


.... with an old man just standing there at the entrance


Is that supposed to impress me or something


You're the most obvious pedophile I've ever met


Yeah sorry, I'm not that gullible


Scratch that


I HAVE DOOMED MYSELF TO AN ETERNITY OF SEXUAL SLAVERY



I need to stop making generalizations (and old men pedophile jokes)


.... Who the fuck puts "CUTE" in the description of their city?


Oh and there's an man probably attempting to jump off a cliff and kill himself, but nobody really cares. FUCK THIS CITY


After fleeing Cherrygrove, I decided to abuse VBA's speed up feature some more and train Totodile.


FUCK YEAH


oh man thx 4 the info bro i totaly didnt knoe dat b4!!!!!!!!!!!


What is it with people giving me random items


OOH, what's this?



>big battle
>rattata
>myface.jpg


Wonderful.


Christ, this game really is for little kids


[METAL GEAR JOKE]



yeah yeah shut the fuck up I came here for some mindblowing discovery or so-


WOW. A FUCKING EGG. WHAT A DISCOVERY.



Aha! So you're THE FUCKER THAT SHRANK ME


I WANT TO BE NORMAL SIZE AGAIN YOU ARTHRITIS-RIDDEN FUCKASS



Why is it that you professors just LOVE to ask me for help?


Oh wow I finally get an item that isn't pointlessly stupid


k


WHY ARE YOU PEOPLE PUTTING SO MUCH GODDAMN WEIGHT AND RESPONSIBILITY ON MY SHOULDERS


oh WHAT NOW




I'm still only a 10 year old you do realize this right



okay im bored now

So Elm asked me to come back to his lab as soon as possible, and that's what I did.


But not before I level up Totodile some more <3


Alright, enough fooling around. Let's head back to the lab.


HMM?


Oh god, not you


Well no shit, you saw me get the Pokemon while you were looking through the lab window. Fucking creeper.


Somebody has daddy issues.


Sorry, I can't speak STUPID FUCKING SCENEFAGNESE HAHAHCAHBSDFHBASDGIKJEDGKVMJSDRFIOGHMOERVMMVBM,MJV



Yeah whatever, bring everything you got


.... Wow, I was right. Anybody with the name of ??? really does have daddy issues.


AND YOU'RE ABOUT TO HAVE SOME MORE ISSUES WHEN I'M THROUGH WITH YOU, FAGGOT


No joke, I took Chikorita out in 3 hits.


Damn straight.


BAWWWWWWWWW


Hahaha, could it get any worse for this kid?


yeah thanks I already got that


Then it runs off to go listen to his MCR and cry in a corner. ENOUGH OF THIS SHIT, I NEED TO GET BACK TO ELM'S LAB SO I CAN PROGRESS THE STORY ALREADY


I'm supposed to care WHY?


Battled? I fucking MURKED that kid's ass.


I sure did.....






I like how he says there's an investigation on this kid, despite the fact that he shows up EVERYWHERE in the game, and the authorities never catch him

Law Enforcement in Pokemon is absolute shit


Aww, don't worry Elm. Have an egg.


K, you got your DISCOVERY, now let me get back on my adventu


How an egg startles somebody this much, I will never know.


DURR I DUNNO IF MR. POKEMON HAD IT, IT PROBABLY IS A POKEMON EGG


Wonderful, can I go now


Hell yeah he did. Shit's cash. Now if you would excuse me


oh god hahaha that's NO FUCK YOU I AM OUT OF HERE


GFDSGYHGHSDFIKJGHDFSGSDFGKJKSDFJGSNKJ


YEAH OKAY THANKS GET OUT OF MY WAY


So I give in, and visit my mom anyways.


and instantly hate myself for doing so


And I'm not coming back!


OH GOD NO


PISS OFF AND DIE


nope


I would be glad to.




fml





So yeah, after Dude shows me how to throw things at wild animals, I tell him to fuck off, and head over to Route 30


Looks like the BIG BATTLE is over.




If only you knew




NOW YOU KNOW


This game once again shows off how hip they are with popular culture!


So after bulldozing through all the trainers without even breaking a sweat, I arrive in Violet City.

EPISODE 4 COMING SOON

interesting things happened last time and now we're back




Some guy wanted a fucking Bellsprout over an Onix?

actually, this really shouldn't be surprising, considering this city has AN ENTIRE TOWER dedicated to some goddamn weed pokemon

Having nothing else to do, I explored the city.














And since I was getting bored, it was time to stop procrastinating, and capture another Pokemon so I can get through Sprout Tower.


YAY


And after a bit of grinding, Pidgey was almost up to par with Totodile. TIME TO DESTROY SPROUT TOWER



what


Alright, I enter Sprout Tower (And try to contain my laughter at the fact that there are BELLSPROUT statues everywhere)


SAGE NICO

THE FIRST OF MANY SAGES I ABSOLUTELY OBLITERATE


So I blast through all the other trainers in here with COMPLETE FUCKING EASE (I'm serious, every single Pokemon they had was a Lv.3 Bellsprout. It was pathetic. It's also the reason why I never took any screencaps.), and I see my rival. He goes on about how strong Pokemon are the best weak blah blah doesn't change the fact that his dad molested him every day


Oh god, I hope I'm ready for this!



I wish all tests were this easy.


NOW, IT'S TIME TO CONQUER VIOLET GYM



I conquered Violet Gym (as expected), and......


oh what's the fucking use i kicked his scrawny ass duh


Yeah, a Lv.7 Pidgey and a Lv.9 Pidgeotto. SO FUCKING HARD OH MAN


Christ, I really am blowing through this thing too quickly



So after I get out of the Gym, Elm calls me and tells me to pick up the Pokemon Egg (which I'll probably end up abandoning in the PC)


I enter Route 31 (i think that's it i cant remember anymore), destroy all the trainers, AND



I promise to take more screencaps next time, guise~

Alright, I'm in Union Cave, ready to plow through all the idiots that stand in my way.


Cool, I wonder what other shit I'm gonna find in here?


nevermind


Isn't there another person like only a few feet away from you?


OH GOD, I'M DOOMED. WHAT AM I TO DO AGAINST THIS COLOSSAL BEAST??





WOAH DUDE I TOTALLY SHREDDED YOU BRO MAN YO G HOMIE HIP EARLY 90S EBONICS DAWG


Yeah, I am.


DESTROYED. After that, I walk around the cave, and kill a few more wild Pokemon


When suddenly.....



BOOOOM, BITCH


Oh hey, this cave actually DOES have useful Pokemon in it!


Uhhh, yes?


wait wha-



DSAFVSGFSDFNSDSVKJSDNKJFVLK


So after disemboweling the Pokemaniac and feeding his remains to my Pokemon, I finally exit Union Cave.


A GIRL PANTING

OH MAN I'M GONNA HAVE SOME SEXY FUN WITH THIS


I'd like to get through your cave.


So is my dick.


One statutory rape later, I encounter another another Hiker.


AND BEAT HIS ASS, Obviously


YAY, AZALEA TOWN


And Team Rocket has taken over from the looks of it.


I enter Kurt's house, talk to him, he goes on about Team Rocket, and-


GOES TO FIGHT TEAM ROCKET WITH HIS BARE HANDS FUCK YEAR KURT


Ok


One statutory rape later, I enter the Slowpoke Well, and Kurt is right there, AND NOT KICKING TEAM ROCKET'S ASS WHAT


Then he proceeds to go on about his back hurting and how he's not young anymore, so now I have to fight his battles for him.

HMM, AN OLD MAN ASKING ME TO DO THINGS FOR HIM

WOW, THAT SOUNDS KINDA FAMILIAR


I agree, Old men yelling are so threatening


Or you could take it out on him. He's right over there, and he's paralyzed too! EASY TARGET


Oh, you have no idea what you've gotten yourself into




YEAH TAKE ME ON WITH A FUCKING RATTATA AND EXPECT TO ACTUALLY WIN




So I proceed to annihilate Team Rocket


UNTIL


2 EVOLUTIONS IN 1 EPISODE. HOW PRO IS THAT?


I like how you feel completely better as soon as I defeat Team Rocket.


The term is "BLASTED OFF"



So Kurt uses his magical teleportation powers to take us back to his house, and gives me a ball as thanks for defeating Team Rocket


Maybe I should check out that forest place, or whatever. At least before I take on the Gym Leader.


Oh god please don't tell me it's


FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUU



You are just begging for another ass whooping, aren't ya?


YOU NEVER LEARN


lolololololololooooflosdlgodfl


Kicked it's ass.


Kicked it's ass.


Kicked it's ass.



You really are in denial


gee it sure is MAD around here


Then the proceeds to go on about how he hates everything that isn't strong (He hates Team Rocket too), then storms off to go bottle up his emotions some more


I think that's enough fun for today

Alright, I've done about everything I possibly can in this town. Time to take on the Gym Leader!


cool story bro


ALRIGHT, TIME TO WIPE THE FLOOR WITH ALL THESE BUG FUCKERS


When I think about it, the Slowpoke have the most intelligent dialogue in the entire game.


The first trainers you encounter are 2 little girls. Pfft, shows how threatening this Gym is going to be.


....




So after mowing through the rest of the Gym by spamming Pidgeotto's Gust (<3), I finally reach Bugsy.


I promise I'll take more screencaps of this battle.


Bugsy ends out Metapod. I fucking kill it with 1 hit.


Scyther was up next. This is his strongest Pokemon. Of course, not that strong considering I took his ass down with 2 Gusts B)


.... And then a Kakuna. Seriously, why does he have fucking COCOON evolutions of Pokemon? His team would be much better if it were:

Gym Leader Bugsy:
- Lv.14 Butterfree
- Lv.15 Beedrill
- Lv.18 Scyther

But guess what? Even if he did have that team, I still would've kicked his ass


I can push buttons oh man I AM SUCH AN EXPERT




KICKIN' ASS AND TAKIN' NAMES (and TMs)


Alright, I took down Bugsy. Now it's finally time to head into that damn forest. (HOPEFULLY WITHOUT THAT IDIOT INTERRUPTING AGAIN)

But first, lemme show you my team at this point.


I still need to deposit that egg in a PC.


I'm 10


Viridian Ilex Forest! Looks boring.


Okay, so I run across this guy that says his Farfetch'd took off somewhere and he can't find it. OH BOY, ANOTHER USELESS QUEST FOR ME TO DO FOR SOMEBODY


The excuses for me to do this shit are getting worse and worse.


Oh, there he is!


I can see that.


Alright, come with me so I can get this pointless quest over with


OH WHAT THE FUCK


You aren't getting away from me this ti-


I SWEAR TO GOD I'M GOING TO SKIN YOU ALIVE WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU, YOU RAT BASTARD


So after pointlessly chasing this fucker around everywhere, I get him back to his owners.


By never giving me a stupid quest ever again.


Uhhh, that's pretty cool too.


go choke on a dick


I'm probably gonna regret this when I've got a Lv.60 Feraligatr trying to learn Hydro Pump


So I hack and slash through all the trees, and I see this weird green haired dude (I seriously think he might be related to Bugsy.)


I DUNNO, I'M ASKING YOU


wat


Goddamn, people are being especially generous today.


I care so much, now let me g-


f


AFTER GETTING OUT OF ILEX FOREST, I STUMBLE UPON ANOTHER ONE OF THEM RESTAN STOPS


Who the fuck even says honey anymoh what's the point this game has already proved numerous times that it's dialogue is shit


Am I universally loved or something holy shit


AND THIS.....

Is where I end my journey for now.

When we last left off, I beat Bugsy's ass, got a Farfetch'd for some scared idiots, and people gave me a bunch of TMs. LET'S KEEP GOING.


Oh really? Let's see what you're ma-


Oh wait, it's just another youngster LOL


yeah yeah just gimme some money already


You and every other fucking youngster ever.


OHH SHIT SON. I was going to actually run, but I finally decided that it was TIME TO CATCH ANOTHER POKEMON.


<3 Great Ball





Also I caught a Ditto too (which is gonna go into the PC soon enough)


MAYBE YOU SHOULD HEAD OVER TO EARL'S POKEMON ACADEMY


.... Nothing sir. OH GOD HE SMELLS THE POT ON ME


FUCK THIS I'M GONNA DESTROY YOU






And I have finally arrived in Goldenrod!



At least he didn't kick me


NOW IT'S TIME TO NAME MY POKEMON AFTER YOU GUISE~


There.

Croconaw - Sora
Pidgeotto - Kaio
Drowzee - Moose
Ditto - At first it was Baal, but then I decided that I was gonna abandon that thing in a PC so I just named it COCKS

Also, I tried to rename the egg, and I got this as a response:


I actually bursted out laughing when I saw this. No idea why, but I did.

Now as I was walking to the Pokemon Center, getting ready to abandon Egg and COCKS in a PC, suddenly.....




IT HATCHED.



Am I witty or what


After disposing of the extra weight, I got myself a good team again (Just gotta train Moose up to Lv.20 at least)


Also, I remembered that I can trade an Abra for a Machop somewhere in here. That would be extremely useful against Whitney.




YAY



Oh god no please don't tell me this is another quest I HAVE to do. But besides that, I go into the Underground Tunnel, and beat everybody's ass.


And for some reason, I was able to kill about 4 Pokemon before Machop finally fainted. Christ, you call this scary?


Obliterated everybody. As usual.


UNTIL NEXT TIME KIDDOS

LAST TIME fuck you just go look at the other ones you ass fuckers


*laugh track*


You mean the upside down green penis?


TREES ARE DANGEROUS


Okay, so I explore around some more.


Oh by the way.....


I GOT A FUCKING BIKE. Alright, enough fooling around. Time to see what Route 35 has to offer.


Jesus what is with all this tree gossip


You have fun with that!



..... How you were even able to GET a girlfriend in the first place is baffling.


oh now I see



So I fight a bunch of trainers. Yeah, yeah, same shit we've all seen befo-


......



......... Same shit we've all seen before.



So then she proceeds to tell me about how the tree reacts to getting squirted at by a water bottle or some shit, and takes off


WE MEET AGAIN.


Before I go on, I've got to mention that I fucking ADORE the music that plays while I'm in here. It's one of my favorite chiptunes in the entire game.


So I get a Quick Claw, defeat all the trainers, and


Who said I wasn't <3


So afterwards, I decide it's time to get some training done. I leveled up Machop pretty easily.


But Moose? Absolutely untrainable. I got killed by EVERY FUCKING POKEMON (except for 1 I actually beat) that was in the grass. I'm dead serious. I gave up on him after going to the Pokemon Center for like the 6th time. But I felt bad that Moose would suffer such a horrible fate.


So I renamed him.


And shoved him into a box with the rest of the rejects.


ALRIGHT. NOW IT'S TIME TO TAKE ON THE GYM LEADER.


dgsgfgs


Ooh, I like this gym already.


well that didn't last long


YOU WILL SOON FEEL MY WRATH



DO NOT DOUBT MY POWER AGAIN, MORTAL



ye boi


Alright, time to take on Whitney.


Wonderful! LET'S BATTLE ALREADY


Oh, a fad follower. This is gonna be easy.


yeah yeah FUCK YOU LET'S GO


Alright, so I started to battle Whitney. Sent out Machop, as usual.


She sent out a Lv.18 Clefairy.


Killed it with 2 Low Kicks.


Oh shit, here comes the actual challenge.


Alright, every single time I've played this game, I've had trouble with Miltank. Like, it kills at least 1 of my Pokemon, and I get it a lucky critical hit and defeat it. Or hell, sometimes Miltank even destroyed by ENTIRE TEAM by spamming Rollout.

But then again, I wasn't using a fighting Pokemon at those times.


2 Seismic Tosses and 1 Low Kick later, Miltank is down for the count. Thank Christ it never got the chance to use Milk Drink, or I probably would've been fucked.


OH YEAH



Wow, you take losing just like ??? does!


Okay you can stop crying


YES I CAN SEE THAT



Wow, just like ??? !


NAH I CAME HERE TO CHAT AND HAVE A FUN BATTLE FUCK YOU GIMME MY BADGE ALREADY


Thank you.


Obligatory TM.


ANND, that's over with.


SEE YA