Tekken: Blood Vengeance

I was just going to make a topic after I watched it but it's so silly it deserves a running commentary.

-Nina and Anna for indestrucible apparently. Nina is on a bike and Anna is driving a truck and they collide in a massive explosion and they both emerge without so much as a speck of dust on them.
-Nina's working for Jin and Anna's working for Kazuya. They're both after this kid or something for some reason.
-Apparently if Jin and Kazuya fight the world will end.
-The kid they want is in some top-notch school, so Anna decides to use ling to get to him. I don't know why.

-Ling rides a panda to school. No one seems to mind.
-Ganryu is a gym teacher.
-Anna's gets Ling expelled and forces her to transfer to that boy's school so she can steal some records or some shit.
-Lee is a flamboyant teacher at said school.

Quote :

-Lee is a flamboyant teacher at said school.

At least it remains true to the source material.

-I was wondering why Ling was going along with this but according to her it's just because the boy is hot.
-Alisa's introduction has soft focus up the wazoo.
-Oh God the boy is a mopey angsty teen. He and Ling meet when he jumps off a building. He could have a legitimate reason for being suicidal I suppose, but how likely is that?

-Ling sneaks into the boy's dorm at night to see the hot depressed guy. Just what I expect from a Tekken film.
-Shin (the boy) went to school with Jin. He was some weird tattoo on his arm.
-Ling goes to spy on Shin in the shower, as you do. Alisa is there already... Weird.
-There was also a bloke in the shower with Shin. Didn't see his face, but I assume it was Jin. He was fully clothed though (I don't know if that's stranger than them both being naked or not).
-Shin is some kind of secret agent...? I dunno, but he knows about Ling and Alisa spying on him.

-Oh, Alisa was spying on Shin because she has a crush on him. That's why she peeps in on him every night. Still weird.
-And she's going to "compete" with Ling for Shin's affection.
-Shin survived some kind of mass disappearance or something. His entire class at his old school went missing but he survived somehow because he "couldn't be killed".

-Alisa is hassling Shin for a date like a complete nutcase. Shin runs off with Ling instead. This is not what I wanted from this movie.
-Mokujin Exhibition? I don't know what it is but I want to see it.
-Shin denies knowing about the class disappearance.
-Shin's tattoo glows green. I don't know why.
-Alisa thinks winning the popularity contest at the school festival will win Shin over.
-SOMEBODY HAVE A FIGHT FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

This sounds worse then the video game storyline and thats an achievement.

This sounds worse than the live action Tekken movie. lol

-Shin gets kidnapped.
-This causes Alisa to go into killer robot mode. Looks like she was the Zaibatsu's spy on Shin.
-Alisa kicks Ling out of a 5th storey window. She's absolutely fine of course.
-Ling and Alisa have a decent fight. Anna and G Corp drop in to take Alisa so they can find out what she knows.
-Even though she has chainsaws on her arms, Alisa completely fails to use them when trying to fend off half a dozen soldiers, despite using them just fine against Ling a moment ago.
-Ling defends Alisa and they escape on a rocket powered fucking panda.

-Alisa is back in nice mode for some reason.
-Lee finds the two girls and panda hiding so they go to his gigantic over-compensating-for-something mansion.
-Panda lounges on a couch like a biped. It's creepy.
-So it looks like neither the Zaibatsu or G Corp kidnapped Shin. Well, that's Jin and Kazuya ruled out then. I wonder who it could be?
-"Sometimes in order to succeed, you have to fail". Jin's a philosopher.
-Ling and Aliso set to do their own investigating.

-There's a secret laboratory under Ling's school. Typical.
-Ling makes an utterly ridiculous adventure-game-logic guess at how to find the information they need and turns out to be right.
-The lab was experimenting on students, looking for M-cells. Shin has them. It makes him immortal or some shit.
-Oh, it looks like Heihachi kidnapped Shin. I never would have guessed.
-Ling has a completely necessary shower.

-G Corp arrive and Lee's mansion.
-I don't know how long Lee was standing unnoticed in that doorway while Ling, dressed in a towel, fell asleep on Alisa, but I assume it was a long time.
-Ling and Alisa figure out that Shin is in some tomb under a castle or something. It's where the Mokujin Exhibit is being held.
-The Zaibatsu arrive at the mansion too. Ling and Alisa escape.

-They find Shin. But apparently it was bait or something to lure Jin and Kazuya to the same place.
-Oh Christ. So Jin and Kazuya were both after Shin for the M-cell, and Heihachi ran the experiments to find the M-cell aand kidnapped Shin to lure out Kazuya and Jin so he could get the devil gene, but Shin let himself get kidnapped to get close to Heihachi because he wants to kill him.
-But it turns out Shin is stupidly weak and Heihachi breaks him like a twig. Turns out he's not immortal after all, because... whatever.

-Jin, Kazuya and Heihachi have a pretty darn cool 3 way fight.
-Jin knocks Heihachi out of the fight after a while. It comes down to Devil vs Devil of course.
-Jin initially turns into some kid of uncontrollable beast thing and Kazuya kicks his ass.
-Kazuya is like "You can't control the Devil's power", and then suddenly Jin learns to control the Devil's power because... whatever.
-Jin beats Kazuya but doesn't kill him, despite being determined to end the war and the bloodline and stuff. He just sort of knocks Kazuya out and that's it.

-Cut to: Lee's now wrecked mansion. Where Anna and Nina have been fighting this whole time it seems. The fights over now though. Anna decides not to kill Nina because it woul be no fun.
-Lee walks in like nothing is amiss and is all "Hey, why are you saving her?", and Anna's like "Because it's more fun". "Oooh, excellent!" Lee's a real fruit.

-Cut back to: The castle where the fight happened. Alisa got broken in all the ruckess and is seemingly dead. Jin flies down to meet Ling.
-But what's this? Heihachi is alive! He sets loose the spirits within the castle's basement and the rubble of the castle turns into a giant monster with Heihachi at it's core! That's what he was after all along and that's why he really lured Jin and Kazuya there!
-What the fuck.
-What the fuck.
-What the fuck.
-This makes literally no sense.
-What the fuck.

-Oh wait, the monster is made up of lots of Mokujins. Where did they come from? The Mokujins don't really want to follow Heihachi's orders, bu he's forcing them. Somehow.
-Alisa magically boots up again when Ling cries on her.
-Alisa has a courageous final speech and fired her rocket fists at the monter. It doesn't seem to do anything. Then Jin cuts it in half with his head laser and it dies. Everyone seems to be in agreement that Alisa defeated it though.
-The End.

Well that was just weird and the ending was pure nonsense. Why the hell did Heihachi go through the trouble of finding the key to fucking immortality just to lure out Jin and Kazuya so he could steal the Devil gene, when he didn't even want immortality or the Devil gene?

That box with the spirits in it was there in the castle all along. He could have just wandered in and released the spirits any time he wanted.

reading nonnys commentary gave me some laughs

Is it fun, at least? Do you think it'd be fun for someone who knows nothing about Tekken, but just wants to see some pretty fights?

No. Jin vs Kazuya vs Heihachi is the only fight worth seeing, and that's probably on youtube.

Never heard of this movie before, and what you're saying about it make it sounds like a Naruto movie. That's just unbearable

Just watched this and wow was this movie a fucking train wreck. I literally had no idea what in the hell was going on half of the time but it seemed like I was watching an anime'd Tekken without the exaggerated art style. The last fight was cool, but half of the shit that happened made no sense and was just ridiculously stupid... plus the devil forms looked retarded.

Whatever, I Lee was fun so I guess something decent came out of this.

I still have no idea who was in the shower with Shin.