Neo watches The Vampire Diaries - It's Mostly Not Shit, In Fact Some Parts Are Pretty Good

I'm probably not going to go into extreme depth like some of you have with other shows, just things that really stand out. Anyway here goes...

S01E01

• Show opens with a couple getting killed in the most cliched way possible, it was pretty much the hitchhiker urban legend except there was a vampire. I'm hoping it was deliberately cheesy.
  
• Would bang Elena.
  
• There's a guy in a leather jacket with sunglasses walking into the school, nobody knows who he is. He's going to be a vampire, obviously. Not too happy about the fact that apparently sun doesn't hurt vampires in this universe, though at least he's not sparkling.
  
• Less than 10 minutes into the show and we already have a drug storyline, I thought that sort of thing was supposed to be saved until the writers ran out of ideas?
  
• Leather jacket guy is revealed to be Not-Angel, seriously the resemblance is uncanny. Right down to the gelled hair.
  
• Angsty internal monologue in a graveyard w/ominous crow appearing, suddenly fog everywhere. Creepy?
  
• Not-Angel is a stalker, also he's doing his own angsty monologue. I'm not sure I can put up with this for one season, let alone four.
  
• Oh Elena's parents died in a car crash, that explains the angst.
  
• Not-Angel being a stalker is explained somewhat, his ex-girlfriend from the 1860s looks exactly the same as Elena. What are the chances? Also the murder at the start wasn't him so there's another vampire in town, if he's british and/or blonde I will delete this show from my hard drive.
  
• They're pushing this psychic joke a bit too hard, the best friend is probably going to actually be one.
  
• More horror movie cliches, did Not-Angel just feed off someone or was it the enigmatic Not-Spike?
  
• Not-Spike finally shows up and dick waving contest ensues.
  
• More angst, except from staple blonde girl. Somewhat less legitimate, she just keeps getting cock(?)blocked.
  
• The girl who didn't die earlier tells her boyfriend she was attacked by a vampire. Uh oh.
  
• Five minutes of diary monologues.

Rating: Angst/10

S01E02

• The urban legend opening scenes are growing on me, I wouldn't mind if they do it for every episode.
  
• Just a thought but I'm thinking it's going to turn out that it wasn't actually a car accident that killed Elena's parents.
  
• Caroline is the most annoying character on the show by far. I hope she tries to fuck a vampire and gets killed.
  
• This episode was going well, angst free until they started talking about ex-girlfriends and more sibling rivalry between Not-Angel/Stefan and Not-Spike/Damon.
  
• Elena used the word 'epic' to describe a conversation, the writers are so down with what's hip and happenin', it's rad.
  
• Vicki is obviously going to turn at some point.
  
• I want to know why Damon swore to be a dick forever.
  
• I think the soundtrack is a bit overdone, I get that some of the dialogue would be painful without it but it gives the show a serious Twlight vibe when 'Gravity' starts playing while Elena talks about how scared she is of emotional intimacy.
  
• It's even worse when Stefan is talking.
  
• I was hoping Caroline was about to die but the episode ended right as she was bitten, that pretty much guarantees survival.

Rating: Twilight Soundtrack/10

This doesn't look like 30 Rock. =(

You're not an internet celebrity so your recommendations are less important. Also Season 1 of 30 Rock was hired out.

S01E03

• No urban legend, shame.
  
• Apparently Elena is really into guys who know historical dates off by heart.
  
• Oh hey, it's that scene where the new guy comes and schools everyone at a sport.
  
• Or maybe not.
  
• Damon gets an invitation into Elena's house, Stefan is pissed. Never saw that coming.
  
• So there was a love triangle with the Vampire Bros. and last century doppelganger ex-girlfriend Katherine, that explains Damon a bit, I assume he's butthurt because Stefan didn't put bros before hos or something.
  
• Is the necklace Stefan gave Elena a vampire repellent? His soul in a locket? Magic good luck charm?
  
• 8, 14, 22... Cool, a show with a mysteriously recurring pattern of numbers.
  
• Oh god Elena is literally Bella from Twilight. She's immune to their Jedi Mind Tricks and everything.
  
• Freud would have a field day psychoanalysing Damon.

Rating: 4,8,15,16,23,42/10

Wow, are you sure this isn't twilight?

It's getting less like Twilight as it goes along, if it keeps it up I can see it becoming a pretty good show.

S01E04

• Back to the cliched opening scene, this time it was kinda like the start of Scream.
  
• Apparently mountain lion bites are exactly the same as vampire ones. Who knew?
  
• Haha, Damon is reading Twlight and taking the piss.
  
• Oh the rings protect them from the sun, can't believe I didn't pick up on that earlier when Damon stole Stefan's and he freaked out.
  
• Zach has a plantation of some sort of herb in his basement, apparently it can hurt vampires so I'm assuming that's what's inside Elena's locket.
  
• Only serious angst now is coming from Jeremy which is dead-parents related so it's tolerable.
  
• Elena's family has lived in the same town forever which I guess makes sense as she's blatantly a descendent/reincarnation of Katherine.
  
• Bonnie is more than just a psychic, she's accidentally putting out candles with her mind and shit.
  
• Elena thinks Damon is abusing Caroline which I guess he is, though frankly I'm just amazed she hasn't been able to put 2 and 2 together yet.
  
• Jeremy gets his girl, does this mean the angst is over?
  
• Stefan Salvatore - Master Schemer. Fucked Damon's shit right up.
  
• And the town elders, or whatever you'd call them, knew about vampires all along. You'd think they'd have decided to act well before five deaths but, hey, plot devices can't be used up too quickly.

Rating: Hydroponic Anti-Vampire Weed/10

Episode 7 is when it first turns around. By that point Damon's crow, the mist and the diary monologues will have completely dissappeared.

Caroline becomes the best character on the show.

S01E05

• Imogen Heap has songs in everything.
  
• Elena makes a conscious decision to not be a Twilight character. Awesome.
  
• Caroline is carrying around a piece of whatever the town needs to get rid of vampires and has absolutely no idea. She saw Damon steal the bloody thing and just went with it anyway.
  
• Zach is going to fuck everything up and free Damon or something.
  
• Well almost.
  
• Enter Old Wise Black Dude. He seems pissed.
  
• Vicki is cancerous. Officially worse than Caroline.
  
• Bikini car wash, I'm ok with this.
  
• There's a distinct lack of bikinis.
  
• Oh Caroline you stupid bitch. Worse than Vicki.
  
• Bonnie is great, I want to see her get more powerful.
  
• Elena finally matches everything up. Next episode should be good.
  
• Good riddance. Fuck Vicki.

Rating: Nina Dobrev not in a bikini/10

S01E06

• More and more hints at some sort of vampire holocaust that happened in the past, I'm interested.
  
• Bit of ambiguity about whether Vicki's body was at the crime scene, guessing Damon took her to be Caroline 2.0 or turn her.
  
• Turn her it is. Wonder how the fresh vampire thing is handled in this universe, whether she'll be uncontrollable until she feeds or whatever.
  
• 1860s Damon looks like a farmer, Stefan is swag as fuck and Katherine is still hot.
  
• Though she's a bit of a malicious bitch.
  
• Huh, the device they built is a dragon radar for vampires. Cool.
  
• I really hope Matt doesn't get killed by Vicki, he seems like a decent bloke.
  
• I prefer the UV rounds from underworld to straight up wooden bullets, guess they're a little bit more realistic for a small town though.
  
• Breakup Angst

Rating: Farmer Damon/10

S01E07

• Tyler used the word 'bro' and 'dude' without irony, I hope he dies.
  
• Damon called him out on being a twat, awesome.
  
• I want to see Grandma Witch do something cool.
  
• That's right Stefan, leave the human alone with the hungry newborn vampire drug addict.
  
• Badass power display ended too soon.
  
• Why are old people going to a halloween party at a school?
  
• Nurse costumes are hot.
  
• Thank god Vicki died.
  
• I think the reactions to Vicki were actually done pretty well.
  
• Damon is cool, he's not ultra-moralfag like Stefan but he'll still do something if it's important.
  
• On the whole best episode so far.

Rating: Sexy Nurse Costumes/10

After reading this i'm getting the show on bluray asap

Was it the nurse costumes?

S01E08

• This new girl vampire looks really familiar, not sure where I know her from.
  
• The sunlight protection rings are apparently really rare, makes me feel a lot better about them existing.
  
• In the space of three episodes Elena has told Stefan to piss off, stay with her forever and piss of again. Seriously needs to make up her mind.
  
• Damon is scared of new girl, might be interesting.
  
• Do teenage girls actually just get into bed with each other or...?
  
• I'm assuming Damon is trying to frame someone for all the killings.
  
• "Epic", there's that word again.
  
• Oh no Lexi D:
  
• Fuck this rubberbanding relationship crap.
  
• I can't figure out whether Matt is going to get friendzoned or fucked.
  
• Vampire fight aw yeah.
  
• Bonnie gets an ominous vision, guess that's the next plot arc.

Rating: Rubberband Relationships/10

Lexi was a great character. The writers have said multiple times how killing her off immediately was one of their biggest mistakes.

Inigo Montoya wrote:

Was it the nurse costumes?

I'll watch it for the articles.

S01E09

• Both Katherine and Bonnie's visions were the subject of the start of episode recap, could she be the "it" that's coming to Mystic Falls?
  
• Bonnie wakes up in front of what I think was the Salvatore crypt, "this is where it began" etc etc
  
• New history teacher's name is Alaric, he's gotta be really really ancient or something.
  
• Wait they really drew attention to his ring, him being a vampire seems too obvious now.
  
• Another Twilight moment just happened between Stefan and Elena, despite being one of the main elements their relationship is one of the worst parts of the show at the moment.
  
• Stefan/Damon role reversal is amazing.
  
• I actually forgot Elena's aunt existed until just now.
  
• Alaric has dead wife baggage, has to be something supernatural.
  
• I'm totally getting Buffy flashbacks of Willow's first seance.
  
• Damon's plan is revealed and Katherine is still alive omg.
  
• Badass witch powers, shame it's not actually Bonnie using them.
  
• Bringing back Katherine would involve bringing back 27 other vamps, a.k.a. "them". Super vampires? An old coven?
  
• Twilight.
  
• Oh shit Logan is here.

Rating: Willow v2/10

S01E10

• There has to be at least one more vampire in town aside from Logan and the Salvatores, I don't remember either of them feeding him blood before he died.
  
• I wonder how long it'll be before Jeremy uncoveres something scary in the old journals.
  
• Logan has gone completely bonkers.
  
• Jesus christ Caroline don't get in the car.
  
• Wow Tyler's dad is a massive twat, also Alaric is bro-tier for whatever he is.
  
• Salvatores get shit done when they work together, I want to see more of this.
  
• Oh shit, Tyler just said that he "doesn't know what his problem is" with a clear shot of the full moon behind him. Werewolf plotline inc.
  
• Didn't really expect a sex scene at this point considering all the relationship bullshit but hey why not. At ;east Elena is being assertive and not acting entirely stupidly.
  
• Alaric is a vampire slayer? Or some non-vampire supernatural being, not sure yet.
  
• Uh oh picture of Katherine.
  
• dat cliffhanger

Rating: Bros, vampire hunters & werewolves/10

S01E11

• Whatever Elena crashed into just ran off + Damon was there in seconds, what?
  
• Yeah Alaric is definitely a vampire slayer.
  
• The soundtrack for this show really does keep surprising me, there's some decent tracks on it.
  
• Not sure I give a shit about Damon's past conquests.
  
• Oh shit, who's Bree calling?
  
• I'm not sure if I missed something or not, can't think of anything that could have made Bonnie lose her mojo.
  
• Girl in the library has gotta be playing dumb about the vampire thing.
  
• Damon pretty much deserved that for Lexi.
  
• Haha oh shit, Damon just went all Kali-Ma on Bree.
  
• "You were adopted, Elena". Classy.
  
• Damon was the one who killed Alaric's wife and caused him to become a vampire hunter, shit's gonna go down.

Rating: Indiana Jones Quotes/10

Kaio wrote:

Spoiler:

It just got interesting.

You say that like it wasn't interesting before, surely my detailed descriptions of anti-vampire weed growing in some guys basement are riveting?

S01E12

• So inviting random pizza guys into your house is probably the worst thing you could do when vampires exist.
  
• Thank god Caroline has a vervain necklace now, maybe she'll get to be something other than Damon's bitch.
  
• I don't see how the compass is going to help Elena, for all she knows it could just be poiting to Damon or Stefan.
  
• Elena's going to act as bait for the mystery vampire, didn't they do that in Dracula?
  
• Nobody notices the guy dressed in contemporary clothes walk into the 50s themed dance.
  
• Anna wants the old Gilbert journal for some reason, even more obvious that she knows more than she's letting on.
  
• Oh and she's a vampire. Wasn't she in the library during the day?
  
• This is pretty great, with the 50s clothes it's like an old horror film.
  
• There's a way to get into the tomb written in the Emily's grimoire, which can be found with the journal. Explains why Anna is after it.
  
• Alaric's dead wifes name was Isobel which makes Jenna double take, is she related to the family or something?
  
• Ben, the bartender, is a vampire too and is conspiring with Anna.

Rating: Evil Pizza Guys/10

S01E13

• Katherine seems kinda crazy.
  
• A different female asian vampire back in 1864, considering how everyone in this show seems to come from one of four or five different families I wouldn't be surprised if they're related.
  
• Badass stake gun.
  
• Yep, they're related.
  
• Stefan/Alaric broforce might be cool.
  
• Anna is the mastermind behind Season 1 so far? Didn't expect that.
  
• Serious daddy issues from Stefan.
  
• They made Hannibal Lecter-esque face masks for vampires, that's kinda creepy.

Rating: Fly back to school, now, little Salvatore. Fly, fly fly.../10

S01E14

• I had stuff typed out for this but I went to make lunch and windows update restarted my computer without saving the file. Loads of stuff happened this episode though, they opened up the tomb and got Anna's mother out but Katherine wasn't in there, Damon sort of trusts Elena now, Jeremy knows vampires are real and Grandma Witch died.

Rating: Shit Happens/10

S01E15

• New vampire is straight out of slavery, wonder how long it's going to take him to stop calling white people sir and ma'am.
  
• Damon goes on a binge because Katherine has been avoiding him for a hundred years.
  
• Oh hey Matt's mum is that one woman who's been in every teen drama ever.
  
• The two Isobels are definitely the same person.
  
• More conspiracies, now to do with Elena's mother and/or father.
  
• It totally just occured to me that Alaric could have had his memory of Isobel's 'death' altered, maybe it really wasn't Damon.
  
• Shit, a guy just stepped in front of a truck after telling Elena to stop looking for mum.
  
• Well what just happened to Alaric was unexpected.

Rating: Magic Anti Death Rings/10