E3 2011

16 years ago the world was changed when people got really sick of seeing video games stuffed between microwaves and the new wave of 36” TVs at CES, so video game guys got together and announced the Neo Geo CD. 16 years later and the Electronic Entertainment Expo is now the go-to place to ogle women dressed as army dudes are some shitwait in line for 2 hours to waggle a remote for 5 minutes learn what’s next in the world of videogames!

WHO TO EXPECT

Microsoft and their X’d Box

WHAT TO EXPECT:
• No seriously you guys, the Kinect is for hardcore gamers too, what are you doing, please come back
• Halo One Remake, so you can relive really pretty outdoor environments and then nothing else.
• That’s about it for now.
WHAT NOT TO EXPECT:
• XBOX 720 isn’t happening you guys.
• Seriously, stop saying it will.
• Shutupshutupshutuppppp

OVER/UNDER ON IT BEING FUCKING HILARIOUSLY AWKWARD:
Can go either way, depending on the number of chunky developers who want to show off their new high impact Kinect title.

Sony and their Play’d stations

WHAT TO EXPECT:
• No seriously you guys, the Move is still for hardcore gamers. Yes we will find a better support for it than point and click shooters.
• Look at this super cool Next Generation Portable!
• So, uh, about PSN……
• Listen, we are super sorry.
• Like, super super sorry.
• You don’t even know how sorry we are.
• But uh, here’s Kevin Butler! He’s still funny right! Look at the funny dude!
• Not doing it for you?
• Sorry.

WHAT NOT TO EXPECT:
• The aforementioned PSN situation to be handled well.
• Like, at all.

OVER/UNDER ON IT BEING FUCKING HILARIOUSLY AWKWARD:
So goddamn high.

Nintendo and the Café

WHAT TO EXPECT:
• PROJECT CAFÉ
• AND ALL THE BULLSHIT THAT WILL COME WITH IT
• MY COUSIN SAYS IT WILL HAVE TOUCH CONTROLLERS DO YOU THINK IT WILL HAVE TOUCH CONTROLLERS
• And maybe more 3rd party/hardcore support. I’ll believe it when I see it, but hey!

WHAT NOT TO EXPECT :
• Vitality Sensors
• Mother 3
• Basically about as much as you can expect to see. Cafe’s been pretty well guarded all things considered.

OVER/UNDER ON IT BEING FUCKING HILARIOUSLY AWKWARD
Given that Nintendo’s learned their lesson the last two years by locking up Dunnway in a closet where she can’t hurt anybody, pretty low. Then again that chain that they keep their dignity on is ever weakening by the second

So what to do till then?
• Panic
• Pontificate
• Post really cool things that your [FAMILY MEMBER] who works at [COMPANY] told you
• Post clips of Konami Press Conferences
• Laugh at said clips
• Wonder if Joel McHale will be replaced by Donald Glover in telling people what embarrassing shit Ubisoft is gonna try to pull

Until then, have fun!

COOL SCHEDULE

Microsoft
June 6th at 10am PDT/1pm EDT

Sony
June 6th at 5pm PDT/ 8pm EDT

Nintendo
June 7th 9am PDT/ 12 pm EDT

PUBLISHERS

EA
June 6th 12:30pm PDT/ 3:30pm EDT

Konami
June 2nd 5pm PDT/ 8pm EDT


UDT TIMES FOR EUROJERKS

Monday June 6

• Microsoft 16:30 UTC
  
• EA 19:30 UTC
  
• Ubisoft 22:00 UTC
  
• Sony 24:00 UTC
  
• E3 All Access Live 15:30 - 02:00 UTC
  

Tuesday June 7

• Nintendo 16:00 UTC
  
• E3 All Access Live 15:30 - 01:00 UTC
  

The only Eurojerks who fall in that timezone are Brits and Portugese.

But thanks anyway.

EDIT: Site is fucked, looking for alternative streams.

As long as that hot woman working for Nintendo shows up I'll be satisfied.

This looks legit.

http://www.justin.tv/chad28#/w/1284838160/2

Apparently the Konami panel is prerecorded. This must be Konami's revenge for last year.

Will there be a new Xbox

Baal wrote:

Apparently the Konami panel is prerecorded. This must be Konami's revenge for last year.

That's a shame, last years Konami conference was a highlight.

I just want some new info on Metal Gear Rising already.
Oh, and some more details about those many 3DS games.
And a Tales of Symphonia remake.

The last one is the least likely to happen.

Huge rumor goin around about Ninentdo releasing a "HD" console.

Looks like I'll miss most of the MS and Nintendo conferences because of work. I'm clear for Sony's though, which is cool.

Isn't there another that SSB4 will be announced, or am I just being silly?

You are being silly but I wouldn't write it out.

Azure Kite wrote:

Huge rumor goin around about Ninentdo releasing a "HD" console.

it's not a rumor, it's confirmed


http://www.g4tv.com/thefeed/blog/post/712099/project-cafe-confirmed-nintendo-announces-new-console-for-e3/

I've always wanted to play gimmicky games in HD.

The only two things I care about for this are Sly 4 and for them to announce a localization of Ace Attorney Investigations 2.

There was a demo of the new Tomb Raider at the MS conference just now. Pretty much looks like Uncharted.

A_Nonny_Moose wrote:

There was a demo of the new Tomb Raider at the MS conference just now. Pretty much looks like Uncharted.

With more moaning, getting dirty and being assaulted from behind by natives.

360 show is just terrible nothing looks fun and halo looks terrible.

Moose you should buy a kinect.

I can't wait to buy a Disneyland simulator, with the power of Kinect it feels like I'm really there!

it was a terrible show, I took a look at te 360 board at gfaqs, just for the fun of it, and people are actually saying it was a good conference...

Zero wrote:

Ace Attorney Investigations 2.

So you want a sequel to a mediocre Ace Attorney game rather than a new one with new characters? Fuck, I'd rather have a Franziska one, she's by far a less focused character than Miles and could use a game.

Oh sweet jesus, who in the fuck thought Halo 4 was a good idea?

I'm looking forward to Café and the Konami show. That is all.